Scientology can help you with that...

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In my latest effort to better understand myself, I decided to see what the folks over at the Church of Scientology could tell me about what makes me tick. Now, now, don't scoff. I was dubious, too. Just check out this page of their website. Who doesn't want to nurture his creativity? And they have a celebrity center! Seriously.

So, I pulled up into their parking lot (which has packed) and after an hour and a half of testing, the way-too-slick dude told me I was depressed, that I had a below-average IQ and that for $82.50, I could started on a new way of life! Say goodbye to sadness ***goodbye sadness!!*** and in 15 short days, I could overcome depression by learning how other people oppress me and suppress me. Wow...other people have been the problem, all along. What a relief!

After that program, there were other courses I could take -- some at the same modest price, some just a skosh higher-- and I could find the life that I wanted and deserved. I was told that "20 percent of society" is "antisocial" and potentially dangerous to me. No wonder I came to them for help, with two out of every ten people conspiring actively against my happiness. Sounds grim, for sure. But there were only happy, smiling faces at the location here in St. Louis. Guess that's where the other eight people are. I guess I know where I'll be spending my free time from now on!

By the way, there's also a detoxification program that only costs $1500. Goodbye toxins. I'll be popping pills and sitting in the sauna, which sounds just like the bathhouse to me, but hey....Kirstie Alley says it works!

Still have your doubts? You can read more about it here!