What's wrong with all these heterosexuals nowadays?

It doesn't seem like a day goes by when they don't turn to the gays or British ladies to solve their problems.

Consider this: ABC has SuperNanny and Fox has Nanny 911 -- shows that expose the complete ineptitude of mixed-sex couples rearing their God-sanctioned offspring.

Furthermore, Queer Eye proves that straight men cannot dress, bathe, groom or accessorize themselves. And the women on these nanny shows: awful, whiny Mommie Dearests. Do the straights really need so much help dating and preserving the core reason for marriage: children?

Watch one of these shows (or the ones where they **swap wives for fun**) and you'll see that mom is a mess, dad is drunk (or wants to be) and ...well.....don't even get me started on those monstrous children. Are these bungling ding-a lings the best role models for children, I ask? Gimme Uncle Arthur any day.

From the tone of this Official press release(!) I suppose that we're supposed to be thrilled to learn that former nanny, Fran Drescher, is back on television to delight us with her dating hi-jinks.

I will admit that today, I'm feeling kinda nostalgic for nannies like Juliet Mills. She gets my vote for television mother-substitute: Phoebe Figalilly. Who's that mystical magical nanny you might ask? ------>

Why she's the sister of Hayley Mills, star of NBC's daytime hit, Passions! and she is married to Maxwell Caulfield, one of my "why do my loins tingle when I look at him" teen crushes.

And Juliet Mills played nanny to one of my childhood role models: Miss Kim Richards, perhaps best known for her work on Hello Larry (which dealt a lot with tingling teenage loins) and a film that proves that kids are much better off left alone or in the care of their much more fun uncle.

Incidentally, Kim Richards is Paris Hilton's aunt.

As a wee little heiress, at the age of 7, Paris looked up to Auntie Kimmie, shown here in 1988 and said, "When I grow up I want to look just like you!"

Looks like she did.