Been-a-Dick Sixteen

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design."

My friend Kelly left me a message last night asking me if I was happy to hear about the election of Pope Adolph II. Kelly has a way with words like that. That's why I try to stay on his good side.

Throwing on my best Nancy Drew outfit (boxers and my house shoes) I Googled Pope Benadryl and found the Ratzinger Fan Club where loyal Mary Worshippers do their best to but a fresh coat of paint on that steamboat headed down the River of Denial.

It's a sneaky tactic, trying to be all thoughtful and stuff:

Under Hitler, Ratzinger says he watched the Nazis twist and distort the truth. Their lies about Jews, about genetics, were more than academic exercises. People died by the millions because of them. The church's service to society, Ratzinger concluded, is to stand for absolute truths that function as boundary markers: Move about within these limits, but outside them lies disaster.

Well....gosh....that's settled. Distorting truth and lies are bad and the Church is responsible for setting a moral standard that disavows lying, hatred and intolerance.

If only that were the case.

See.....Pope Adolph Deux kinda likes to forget that tens of thousands of gay folks were up in the Nazi concentration camps, too. They weren't freed, either. Paragraph 175 kept thousands of gay men locked up until 1969. Yup. 1969. That's a long time to be in jail house just for "thinking" about sucking cock.

But I guess jail is where Cardinal Ratsass would like to see most of us gay boys:

“Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil.”

Intrinsic moral evil? I had no idea that liking and sometimes loving a fella was intrinsically evil. Is that as intrinsically and morally evil as fucking children? Oh, no....that whole business, according to Pope B-16 was blown out of proportion:

"I am personally convinced that the constant presence in the press of the sins of Catholic priests, especially in the United States, is a planned campaign, as the percentage of these offences among priests is not higher than in other categories, and perhaps it is even lower.

"In the United States, there is constant news on this topic, but less than 1% of priests are guilty of acts of this type. The constant presence of these news items does not correspond to the objectivity of the information nor to the statistical objectivity of the facts.

"Therefore, one comes to the conclusion that it is intentional, manipulated, that there is a desire to discredit the Church. It is a logical and well-founded conclusion."

Don't you just love logical and well founded conclusions? Here's one for ya, courtesy of his Pontificalness:

[W]hen civil legislation is introduced to protect behavior to which no one has any conceivable right, neither the Church nor society at large should be surprised when other distorted notions and practices gain ground, and irrational and violent reactions increase."

Translation: When gay folks demand equal rights, it should come as no surprise when they get fag-bashed. And finally:

“Those who would move from tolerance to the legitimization of specific rights for cohabiting homosexual persons need to be reminded that the approval or legalization of evil is something far different from the toleration of evil.”

Well Pope Adolph II sure has plenty of practice at tolerating evil, especially since he was a Nazi and insists that the tens of thousands of children raped by priests is simply over-blown media hype.

Jesus died for this shit? I think I'm converting - this sounds more fun anyway.

Posted April 20, 2005 10:39 AM