May 24, 2005

The Ann Franklin Story!

annefrank.jpgI have firmly decided that the current state of American culture is shit. Therefore, I feel that is necessary to remove myself from this horrible mess of a place. Trouble is, I need money. I’m thinking of pitching an idea for a hot, new movie so that I can raise a gaziilion dollars and go live someplace else. Hard work and determination be damned! I wanna quick fix, just like everyone else.

But what to do? What to do?

Well, I’m mulling over a few ideas and will test them out here.

The first is a tale of discrimination, bias and hatred. Families torn apart by prejudice. Starring international superstar Tom Cruise (who is not gay). And robots (of course). We need to appeal to the young girls out there, too. Hmmm... Young girl... Role Model...

How about:

Anne Frank Reloaded

Picture it: we'd update it to today. Young freedom fighter with Kung Fu super powers fighting Al Jazeera. that won't do.

We cannot have American kids running around wanting to be Jewish, for Chrissakes. Wait! That's it! We'll make Anne Frank not Jewish....

She'll be Ann Franklin! Great-and-then-some-Granddaughter of Benjamin Franklin. He's a totally famous American! He's on money and discovered lightning and stuff.

Oh! This'll be good:

The Ann Franklin Story!

dakotatomnotgay.jpgAnn Franklin is a lovely little girl, played by Dakota Fanning who’s trying very hard to keep a secret. Her parents, played by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Baptist Creationists living in Boston, Massachusetts.

Poor little Ann. Every day on her way to school the stem-cell-enhanced artificially-inseminated children of lesbian couples pick on her for having morals and being the union of a “mixed” marriage: men and women. If they knew she was a Christian, too -- it could mean death! After all, we're talking about Massachusetts: home of wiccas, homosexuals and Kennedys.

One day after school, Ann is on her way home when she remembers she left her precious Bible in her locker. If the evil, genetically-modified spawn of lesbians find her precious Bible! Oh, no!!!!!

She returns to school only to overhear a conversation with one of her teachers and a “liberal” person from Social Services. SS is, of course, an evil gay, played by someone who isn’t. Evil, liberal, gay SS man has had his eye on Tom Cruise’s chiseled, yet not-gay body for some time now. They were friends in college and the gay once made a move on Tom and of course, Tom refused. Tom Cruise is not gay.

The evil forces are secretly planning to remove Ann from her home for uncertain, dastardly reasons. True to form, it’s not quite clear why these liberals are “evil.” They just are. Don’t question the narrative.

Ann drops her Bible in fear, which triggers a swarm of evil SS robots to chase her. She eludes them and finds herself in a part of town she’s never been in before. It’s pretty and there are flowers and ponies and butterflies. Naturally, this sort of Eden implies that this is where the Christians live. They have those little fish symbols in their window, that’s how she knows.

Using her Cingular Blackberry, Ann is able to relay a message to her parents that there is a safe place for them, too. Both mom and dad have harrowing escapes after members of the SS conspire with liberal, activist judges to issue warrants for their arrests. Their individual escapes are split screened for dramatic effect (just like on 24) and are so awesome! There are 4,872 product placements in this ten minute segment.

mcd.jpgAnn, Katie and Tom are forced to hide out among the good Christians of Boston. By accident, Ann’s Cingular Blackberry sends a message that allows the forces of evil to track her location. The evil robots are about to bust in, but Tom Hanks Michael Clarke Duncan, one of the liberal activist judges, shows up, rescues the family with Matrix-like superpowers granted by God.

See…he had a change of heart about Christians.

Jesus called on the new slim-line camera phone by Cingular and Tom Hanks Michael Clarke Duncan answered. Note: get Beyonce to sing a ballad.

There is an awesome montage featuring images of Jesus, puppies, the American Flag, Terri Schiavo, ponies, kittens and The Cross upon which you place your trust as an American . You will cry. MCD takes off his “liberal judge” robes of and unveils a form-fitting tee shirt exposing his chiseled, yet not-gay body, with the image of an Eagle, Ole Glory and Jesus. Jesus looks like he’s from the O.C. The shirts will be available for purchase at Wal-Mart.

They move to Texas where life is much better, of course.

The final scene, setting up the sequel...Ann is blogging and she sees through her trailer window a lesbian couple moving in next door!

Posted May 24, 2005 01:24 PM

dis shit off da chain mane

-- posted by: dickhead on May 10, 2007 09:09 PM

Hey, did you lift that from the script to Revelations or something?

-- posted by: Linda Flores on May 28, 2005 05:22 PM

oh my....that's absolutely brilliant! WHo wouldn't buy the rights to that and make it into a movie?

-- posted by: janie on May 27, 2005 11:41 PM

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