Rescue Mission

At the Guerilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst Website you can read the transcript from this remarkable documentary and I urge you to watch it the next time it airs.

To be honest, there's probably not a week that goes by that I don't think about Patty. Heiresses with semi-automatics get me all hot and bothered. And today's media frenzy triggered a thought: Katie Holmes looks like Patty Hearst!

While some folks are mounting a Free Katie campaign, I'm drawn to draw parallels and make things up. That's just what I do.

Here's a series of real(and imagined) phone calls...

DAY 9
Patty has been abducted - Katie is being Oprahed

Mom, Dad. I'm OK. I'm with a combat unit that's armed with automatic weapons. And these people aren't just a bunch of nuts. They've been really honest with me but they're perfectly willing to die for what they're doing.

Mom. Dad. I'm OK. I'm with Tom and his security team is armed with automatic weapons. And these Scientologists aren't just a bunch of nuts. No, they're evolved clams. They've been really honest with me but they're perfectly willing to let Brooke Shields die for what they're doing.

Day 13
Patty is getting pissed - Katie's getting dissed

I am being held as a Prisoner of War and not as anything else. I mean I am being treated in accordance with international codes of war. Also, since I am an example, and it's really important that everybody understand that, you know, I am an example and a warning. And so people should stop acting like I'm dead. Mom should get out of her black dress, that doesn't help at all.

I think all of this Scientology stuff is really neat. Of course I accepted his proposal. My agent tells me that as far as the world knows, I'm still a virgin and Tom doesn't seem to press that issue that much. He even presses my clothes and his and his bodyguard's, who sleeps in the same room with him to keep him safe. And people shouldn't be putting me on their clothes, especially you, Mom. They won't let me see you until you take that tee shirt off. I'd like to see you again mom. *almost inaudible whisper* Help!

DAY 59
Patty Becomes Tania - Katie Becomes Mrs. Cruise

Mom, Dad. Tell the poor and oppressed people of this nation what the corporate state is about to do. Warn Black and poor people that they are about to be murdered down to the last man, woman and child. Tell the people, Dad, that the removal of expendable excess, the removal of unneeded people, has already started. I have been given the choice of one: being released in a safe area, or two: joining the forces of the Symbionese Liberation Army and fighting for my freedom and the freedom of all oppressed people. I have chosen to stay and fight. I have been given the name Tania after a comrade who fought alongside Che in Bolivia. It is in the spirit of Tania that I say, 'Patria o Muerte, Venceremos.'

Mom, Dad. I am happy. Stop talking to Access Hollywood. Or else. Tell the people what Tom and his agent (who is also now my agent, spiritual advisor and doctor) want them to hear. I am happy and he's a much beloved international superstar that isn't gay. I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. I have been given the choice of one: joining the forces of Scientology. I have been given the name of Mrs. Tom Cruise after we wrapped up his promotional tour in Bolivia. I am happy. It is in the spirit of Tom that I say, 'Other people are the problem....' I am happy.