Present Company Excluded

I have been out of sorts for weeks now.

The reason?

Fucking sobriety.

It seems like every day I wake up clearheaded and begin my day with a coffee, a cigarette (or eight) and a bike ride. Once again, let me remind readers that I didn’t give up the sauce and carbs for health reasons.

I did that for vanity.

The only good thing about biking as frequently as I do (which some days even happens twice a day) -- is that it’s really improved my ability to smoke. The night before last, I rode downtown and back -- smoking all the way – at night, even.

If anything sucks about my riding my bike is that it gives me time to think. That, as you may know, generally ends in disaster. For instance, the past few weeks, every bike ride has ended in my thinking about politics, culture, religion, money, work, life, sex, relationships and annoying ass stuff like that!

And it’s simply been overwhelming me.

At this moment, I’m sitting on 6 partially composed short stories and about 4 unfinished blog entries. All this thinking is leaving me unable to finish anything effectively – because every damn day, I find myself thinking about new and exciting things!

I will readily admit that I’m guilty of a taking a sassy photo and stringing together a few sentences of regurgitated hyperlinks – but do you know what? I’m thinking that I’d rather turn out a quality essay once a week instead...so it’s leaving me to think about what I really want to do with this blog.

What a God damned bother that line of thinking is, too!

Oh! And since I’ve quit watching television, I’ve discovered that I am, at moments, having serious identity issues when separated from Access Hollywood. Leaving Katie Couric behind has forced me to reconsider the role of media. And don't even get me started on politics, anymore!

Add to the confusion: there's a musical I'm helping a friend write and there's oboe lessons I want to take. Now that I have all this time to kill since I'm no longer hung-over, I'm considering joining a gay boxing league.

And then I'm trying to give a shit about people, too! It's rough trying to be a better friend, son, brother and uncle!

Every now and then I wonder about the direction of my professional life and I've been trying to make things right where I’ve screwed up in my personal life.

I am, in other words, a complete and utter mess.

Did I really give up drinking and drugs and start eating better and biking more only to have my thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and predilections challenged?

Did I, essentially, stop numbing myself with depressants and sedatives only to be bothered by feelings and emotions?

Did I just screw myself up even more?

And I never claimed to be well in the first place!!!!

I’m hoping that this bizarre swoop into consciousness ends soon – or that, at the very worst, I figure out a way to manage it.

The tether either tightens or it snaps – and one way or the other – you’ll be the first to know.