Conscription: An Army of One

My head was still a scattered mess for most of the day. But during my bike ride today, a strange sense of clarity came to me.

Let me explain.

Every day, I get between 5 to 6 appeals for donations. For my money and my time. And my ass is broke and my time is finite.

I’ve also been observing the debate going on in this country:

Red/Blue
Right/Left
Black/White
Sick/Healthy
Educated/Ignorant
Rich/Poor

And all I have to say is this: It’s all bullshit and I’ve had enough.

I’m tired of seeing this country’s fate determined by polling numbers and political maneuvering. I’m tired of both major political parties posturing and accomplishing nothing.

I want to see something done.

And since I have a blog, I’ve come up with a solution that at least 14 people will read – and I welcome your feedback and I invite you to join me in getting some shit accomplished.

My experience this past weekend proved to me that volunteers and citizens can accomplish more in 24 hours than our government can.

But volunteer efforts lose their effectiveness over time.

We all get tired – we all have lives to lead and jobs to work and things to do.

And from all I keep seeing – more clearly needs to be done.

This is my proposal.

PRESCRIPTION BY CONSCRIPTION

Everyone 18-25 will be drafted into a selective service. My proposal has two services to choose from: The Red Rangers and The Blue Brigade.

And that means everyone.

Male-female and everywhere in between. Yes, ladies – you’re included, too! I was raised believing in equal pay for equal work. I was also raised with you play – you pay. You want that right to choice – well, here’s your chance to fight for change!

There’s also none of that Don’t Ask - Don’t Tell bullshit – you’re in the Army now, kids. And just in case some folks cannot understand that gay people can serve our military -- our new and improved Blue Brigade loves homos!

I would love to see how many homos would be popping out of the closet then – clamoring at the chance to fight for social justice.

I’d also love to see how many of those who have been in-favor of this war would still be -- if people were faced with the very real reality that their child could die fighting this war in Iraq.

I’d also love to see how many of those very same folks would urge their kids to be gay – just to avoid going overseas.

Please ask!!!!!! Please tell them you’re a cock-sucker, Trevor! Please!!!!!!!!!!!

Now – whether the gays are allowed to serve (ahem) or not -- this army of two is faced with two tasks – getting us the hell out of the Middle East and taking care of business down South!

Here’s how it all works!

RED/BLUE

Okay, kids!

Here’s where your vote matters.

All those red states – your kids – we’ll ship their asses off to fight America’s commitment to Democracy in Iraq!

Blue states – your bleeding heart asses will be sent down South to dig some ditches, rebuild some schools and end poverty and racism! Forget your Ivy league and weekend jaunts to Urban Outfitters. You’ll be outfitted in polyester and you’ll be in a league of the hardworking poor you so condescendingly write, blog and speak about.

There ya, go! We’ll rebuild the country (sooner or later) and we’ll end the war (sooner or later).

All of this takes time and money and resources – but we’re a great country, aren’t we?

We’ll just borrow more money!

RIGHT/LEFT

To my pals on the right – we’ll appease you with a new National ID policy – implemented by the The Department That Already Knows Everything About Your Ass, Anyway!

All those problems with illegal immigrants, well – look: we just got a whole helluva lot more people now to fight your wars and rebuild your beloved country!

Now some of you might actually have to pay a living wage to the people who will replace your housekeepers and the migrant workers you employ in your corporations, your agri-businesses ventures and your factories – but no sacrifice is to small to protect America, huh?

To my beloved liberals – time to start practicing what you preach, assholes.

Personal freedom has a price, you lazy bores. And it’s not just an automatic withdrawal once-a-month from your checking account to NPR and a once-a-year purchase at a silent auction at [insert your favorite charity here].

You can talk all you want to about education and healthcare for all. If your asses actually did some work that actually benefits others, you might learn to appreciate a hard day’s work – and the thought of “going to college” so you can get a “good job” might suddenly change when you realize that the folks who dig ditches, build buildings, take out the trash, police the country and protect our citizenry actually have difficult and challenging jobs. Those are good jobs, too. And they’re a lot more in-demand today than a degree in Art History and those cozy computer science jobs that are being outsourced, aren’t they?

You can’t really outsource shoveling can you? And most of all – remember that privilege is wrong, remember?

Well…your privileged asses will soon discover the value of some hard-ass work and what it’s like to have nothing but a bed to sleep in (if you’re lucky).

You might also learn a thing or two about other people’s lives – which is the core to your political ideology, now, isn’t it?

SICK/HEALTHY
Great thing about being drafted, kids – you’re guaranteed healthcare – during your service and afterwards.

EDUCATED/IGNORANT

Oh!

And then there’s that lovely little G.I. Bill.

Maybe you’ve seen the commercials on TV with that attractive black teenager telling his mother how he’s going to the Army to learn how to be a man, just so that he can go to college?

Well, step up, whitey! You’re going to die saving Democracy or do something with your time that doesn’t involve keggers!

While all the red state kids are dying I mean fighting for freedom in Iraq, our Blue State Bohemians will be setting up schools and workshops and healing circles and recovery programs throughout a great deal of the United States.

They’ll also have to work with real life victims of abuse and violence and drug addiction. The poor people aren’t just an abstraction you write about sipping your latte at Starbucks. If you’re reading this – you’re reading the words of a real life working-poor person who grew up in poverty. Fortunately enough for me, I grew up never thinking I was poor – until some condescending asshole in the Financial Aid department informed me that I was “legally poor” and that I could apply for more financial aid if I wanted to.

I got a second job, instead.

THE FUTURE

Equalize a generation’s experience and you’ll equalize our future.

That’s my hope.

Sure – some assholes will be crafty and manage to avoid serving their country. But that’s okay – those folks have a job to do in my vision for the future.

They can go to our mayor’s offices and our state Capitols and then off to Washington, D.C. – where they can perfect the fine art of evasiveness and dodging responsibility. The poor, poor politicians – they’re just not capable of being anything other than what they are.

Bags of hot air.

WHERE TO START

My queer ass, at the age of 34 doesn’t quite fit into this plan.

Darn it, just the luck.

But if my ass could get my student loans waived and/or have the opportunity to return to school and have some guaranteed fucking healthcare – my ass would be willing to go and do whatever I need to do.

Step up, Howard Dean...step up, John Kerry...step up, Karl Rove...step up, Mister President.

And I'll step up, too. And I'll blog it all too. Trust.

I just want to see some leadership – I want to see a clear direction – I want some hope that’s real.

My willful, back-talking, queer-as-a-three-dollar-bill-ass might not fit into anyone’s definition of an ideal soldier.

But I can dig a ditch if I have to. And I’d have a great time in a barracks, too… I have before. Trust. I grew up 30 miles from Fort Knox.

Truth be told – the military is so, totally, gay! But so is the bathroom at Neiman Marcus…but that’s a story for another day…

In times like these, I’m reminded it’s all about being an army of one.

And boot camp begins now.