Hell - Indeed - Is For Children

The world, they say, can turn on a dime. And if you're Whitney "I believe the children are the future" Houston -- it's a dime bag you're turning upside down...filmed, of course, on your reality TV show!

Since it's Sunday and since I remember Sunday as a day for Bible verses, family dinners and 60 Minutes, I thought I'd check in on the children of the future, the current state of Christianity, the world of Pop Culture and what Madonna's cook is making the kids for dinner.

Let's start with Lamb and Lynx Gaede – the singing, dancing 13 year old California Neo-Nazi twin superstars of Prussian Blue, who perform Nazi-inspired songs (to packed houses) in order to preserve the “White Way of Life.” And you wondered what kind of little girl JonBenet Ramsey would grow up to become – and why Mary Kate became a junkie and dropped out of school? And you really fucking wonder why some folks hate white people? We're not all like that....trust!

Let’s now praise the Lord and visit the the new and improved Anne “I found Jesus” Rice – who has re-written Jesus’ life story, a la Harry Potter, but without her usual gothic élan. Forget the “dark arts” and vampiric existentialism – Anne’s spreading the Good News by helping readers understand Jesus' life as a an up-and-coming child God -- the future King of Peace.

Yes! The woman who fictionalized a 2000 year old vampire dynasty (starring Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, no less), feels that she is best suited to scribe the inner dialogue of Christianity’s kingpin. Incongruous, insane, ironic and iconoclastic – and will she find an audience? And what happens if she does? Christ is the new Goth? Jesus is the new black?

Speaking of icons, dramatic turnarounds and Madonna and child(ren): reports of Madge’s parenting techniques oddly make sense, all the while she endeavors to recreate disco next month by even more flagrantly re-appropriating other people’s music (namely Michael Jackson, Donna Summer and ABBA!). Sounds like she’s got a hit on her hands, which leaves me desperately seeking the first single. Oh, Esther -- how you've grown -- from former Catholic multi-millionaire pop star slut, to feeding chickens, denouncing sin, embracing Kabbalah, all the while utilizing disciplinarian tactics that would make Joan Crawford proud. Oh! Let’s not forget the nannies, the chauffeur, the stylists, the horse trainer, the live-in cook and a sexy husband with anger issues.

Weeee!!!!!

And to think we were, at one point, convinced that Bennifer was the worst thing to happen to American Pop Culture – that Brad and Jen breakup’s was more important than a tsunami and that Tom Cruise could actually get a young woman pregnant?

Well, look out, kids – I think we’re shaping up for a real pop culture revolution!

It gets even better! A majority of European countries are utilizing provisions of the United Nation’s cultural governing body to prevent (or at least decrease) the importing of American Pop Culture into their countries. They don’t want to buy it, support it or ingest it anymore, meaning Hollywood will have to take a deep look at itself to figure out why no one, anywhere, wants to watch its insipidly tepid, shitty films.

Um...and once again...that’s Hollywood getting deep and introspective, kids. Expect long lines at the Scientology center as John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise help wayward Hollywoodians to find their way.

Part of me isn’t sure if this is schaedenfreude or schizophrenia. Either way, fasten your seatbelts, kids...it’s gonna be a bumpy night!