January 02, 2006
A New Year and the Same Old Shit
New Year's Day is the one day of the year where you're actually encouraged to dream-up wildly unimaginable life-altering resolutions.
It can be a very exciting day -- filled with affirmations of substantive change. Some folks even go to the trouble to create lists of things they want to accomplish or behaviors they wish to change. Of course, may people will resolve to quit smoking, stop drinking, start exercising and so forth, to which I say:
Bullshit!
See, I decided to take a different approach to New Year’s Day. I took yesterday to delight in my fucked up life, to relish in the big-ole-complicated mess that is my existence. I smoked cigarettes, I watched hours of TV, I read tabloids, I ate lots of food, I watched porn and ate candy. I even pissed off a dear friend, which I didn't mean to -- but does the intention really matter, when the outcome is undesirable? I will resolve to try to do less of that, of course. I may be a fuck-up in many, many ways – but hurting someone I care about isn’t a trait I admire in myself or wish to actively pursue.
Speaking of which, I also did a few good things on the first day of this new year. I didn't yell at anybody. I cleaned my house. I fed my cat. I paid a bill. I amused myself by thinking I could be a rockabilly homo, post-punk crime-fighter with kick-ass super-ninja fighting skills and even took pictures of myself living out my dream, as well!
I thought about the wonderful lady whose flowers I designed for her New Year's Eve wedding and the marvelous evening I had with her and some very dear friends.
But mostly what I did was think about how I need to learn to accept that certain things will always be problematic for me. I will always struggle with my weight, with eating, with drinking, with smoking, with loving, with hoping, with sadness and with grief.
I will have some days that are complicated and fucked up and miserable and so-horribly-awful that I will act like an asshole rather than deal with the issue at hand. I will be sneaky and mischievous and gossipy. I will act like it’s the end of the world when it’s not and though I will do my best to be self-aware, I will unknowingly upset people from time to time.
I will struggle with regret and guilt and I will fight like hell to find some hope. I will hate being single, love being single, hate being lonely and be grateful for those moments when I feel that the only person who has an expectation of me is me...and my cat.
I will feel unloved, unlucky, unhappy and unimpressed.
I will also be snarky and clever and funny and sometimes sexy ( I hope ).
I will continue to ride my bike.
There’s all sorts of things I could imagine for myself this year – but that’s not my resolution for 2006. I think I’ll just be content to be a rockabilly homo, post-punk crime-fighter with kick-ass super-ninja fighting skills who’ll continue to keep taking photos of himself when the mood strikes.
So here’s to more good days (and fewer bad ones).
Have a happy 2006, y’all.
