Balls to the Walls....Petals to the Medals...Fetes Don't Fail Me Now

These are the times that try men's souls - Thomas Payne

Or in my case, soles.

My ass is busy, my feet are tired and my homonyms are all mixed up.

It all started this past weekend:

Saturday
I joined the fellas from Big Crank Cycling for a delightful bike ride around town. When I was telling some friends about my morning of gay-boy bicycle fun, they asked, "So....what did you guys do afterwards?"

I guess they expected to hear that all sorts of sexually illicit shenanigans transpired.

I replied, "We did what all gay men do when they get together on a Saturday morning.....BRUNCH!"

Straight people need to get their minds out of the gutter.

Sunday
I started guitar lessons and nearly emptied my bank account when I saw this camera. But I didn't give in to temptation.

No.

No, sir-ee.

I realized that I needed to save my money for more important matters.

Namely, glitter. See this Saturday --->

Monday
Today, I'm writing this and that's all I'm doing up on this blog this week. It's mostly for the sake of posterity. Some day, when I'm old and decrepit (I expect full-on decrepitude to hit at age 38) I want to look back on my life and say, "Oh look, I used to do things. I was once lively and tried to be entertaining....now pass me the Cheetos - American Idol is on!"

Tuesday
Valentine's Day.

Um.

Er.

Well.

Shit.

***Insert stomping and storming around my apartment for ten minutes***

No...no....really...I'm happy for all y'all with boy-friends, girl-friends, spouses, life-partners or Godly-defying co-habitators who attend gay orgies frequently.

Best of luck to you for not having memories that haunt your dreams, for not hating half of your music collection, for not having forlorn nights spent sobbing pathetically into your pillow knowing that he will never call.

God bless you for whatever it is that y'all call love.

Really.

Truly.

So.

Very.

Happy.

For.

You.

Both.

Wednesday
I'm selling merchandise at the Andrew Bird concert. His merchandise. Not mine. Please…I can’t give this shit away.

Thursday
I'm going to see Madea Goes to Jail. I expect to be told-a-thing (or two) by a fierce, gun-totin', blunt-tokin', scene-stealing Black man-in-drag. Not that I expect him to shoot that gun. We all know the only person who can get away with shooting someone in this country is the Vice-President.

Friday
Buy glitter. Create. Fuck up and run to the store at-the-last-second to buy more glitter. See ---->

Saturday
I'm hoping I'm inspired by all this week's theatricality -- I'm busting out the platforms and the false eyelashes to work the crowd and to raise some funds at Wall Ball.

This event will be one helluva party, and more importantly, will put paintbrushes in children's hands.

With that in mind, I'm outta here. I gotta outfit to design and sew this week.

I hope you get flowers or some sorta V.D. treat tomorrow. And by that, I mean one that's not catching, or doesn't warrant penicillin.

Watch out for elected officials with guns, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too.... and while we're speaking of politics, I suggest good-ole Thomas Payne for this week’s history reminder.

I just finished Age of Reason. I was hoping that this treatise on religious fundamentalism might inspire me to crash Exodus Ministry’s Say Nay to Gay event next week.

Sadly, all reading Age of Reason did was make me want to wear a powdered wig. Which is, I know....very gay...but also, I might add, very patriotic!

And by patriotic, I mean actually giving a shit and not being the kind of dude who shoots his friends, conducts illegal wiretaps, profits from death, tortures civilians and is obsessed with gay orgies.

Lord knows I haven’t thought about gay orgies since I went to one last year. Some orgy that was. Please! It was just a bunch of grown men in Speedos splashing around in a pool. And a catered buffet, of course. Yeah. That's this administration's definition of an orgy: muscular men in swimming trunks, bruschetta crisps, a tasty tapenade and pool boys serving fresh mojitos. Whooooo!!!! Scary!!!!!!

You see kids, it’s real easy to imagine that dastardly, sinister, soul-destroying evil is always afoot. That's terrorism, for you.

This week, I’m just trying to keep my eyes peeled for a free buffet and a fashion bargain. I'm keeping my spirits uplifted, my mind engaged and my feet grounded.

In some sensible, attractive shoes.

Posted February 13, 2006 08:00 PM