The End of the Affair

When I was in Los Angeles, (I realize I was only there for six days, but blogging is cheaper than therapy….so just bear with me, alright?) I only saw two celebrities. Gil Bellows was buying stuff at the Apple Store and Julie Delpy sat down next to me at brunch.

In case I need to refresh your memory, Gil Bellows made his modest fortune starring as the forever-unavailable boyfriend on Ally McBeal, who was rendered especially unavailable after a buzz cut, bleach job and brain tumor.

Julie Delpy, to her credit, makes charming, heartbreaking films about chance encounters with a cute boy who has a tangled emotional connection with a fellow Thurman.

As someone who derives a great deal of joy from interpreting omens and will go on ad nauseam (like now) about synchronicity, it was very foolish of me to ignore that bit of bitter-sweet foreshadowing to the whirl-wind L.A. romance that began seven weeks ago. I didn’t ignore “the signs” when things were good, but when they pointed to a less desirable outcome, I tried like hell to ignore them. As a very remarkable fella told me today, “You knew where this was going…..”

Yeah. I did. I did when I got on the plane at LAX and cried all the way back to St. Louis. I even took pictures! I don't live off blog.

Well. That’s it. I’m done. The four two of you that read this know exactly where I’m going -- and it’s either the bar or the bathhouse.

A chapter ends. A page turns. You walk outta some door and let a butterfly free on this beach that has some footprints on it and it comes back to you through an open window…Oh, hell, I dunno. My metaphors are all mixed up today and my mind is mush. I’m feeling a little peckish, less wistful and am now looking forward to making mischief and moving the narrative forward. In other words, I’m gonna go watch the Opposite of Sex, smoke a carton of cigarettes and get laid.

There’s a lotta good stuff left to share about my trip last week. I still have to write about Marty and Elayne, shopping on Melrose and a very Brady visit to the Valley.

But that’s writing that will come from a semi-level head versus a semi-leveled heart.

And with that, I turn……exiting stage left….Christina Ricci supplying the voiceover:

“If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your head. I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK?"

while today’s horoscope flutters on the screen:

You'll be wearing your emotions like a t-shirt today, and they'll be the first thing others will notice when they see you. Fortunately, the heavens have arranged for you to be in a wonderful mood -- unpredictable, perhaps, and unusual, for sure, but pleasant. So don't worry about offending anyone (not that you would) and don't hold anything back. The fans will love you, exactly as you are.

Evil Light of Reality

The times, they are a changin'.

The 84-year-old [Miss America] event made its television debut in 1954 but was dropped by ABC television after last year's contest attracted too few viewers despite adopting risqué dance numbers and daring swimsuits. Now it joins "Survivor" and "The Apprentice" as just another reality TV show.

"We've got to get Americans involved and emotionally attached to our contestants," Miss America's Chief Executive Art McMaster told Reuters in an interview.

Involved and emotionally attached?

That's as outdated as the pageant itself.

Queens!

Today is hectic and crazy and busy and insane!

We're under deadline for our telephone directory and it's raining and there were three accidents as I was driving around visiting clients and the phone won't stop ringing and I'm really, really, really regretting that I gave up Xanax. And I have consumed way, way, way, way way too much coffee. That's three reallys and five ways. That's bad.....

But there is some good news! I got cool shit in the mail!

First, Andre Miripolsky (the L.A. artist from yesterday's post) sent me a beautiful signed monograph of his work! And an extra button, so I won't have to worry about losing the one he signed for me. It's like having real jewels and "paste" jewels. Just like the Queen.

Speaking of which, I got a package from England today, too! This lovely woman that Joe and I met at the Scissor Sister's concert sent me some photos she'd taken of me and super-dreamy, super-shirtless and super-sweaty Jake Spears, who is a queen, as well. Well...maybe not. Maybe he's an otter?

Who cares? I'm sure you don't...but thanks for staying.

I was thrilled to get the photos! I didn't have a good, full-on photo of my Snow Queen outfit and she did a very nice job capturing his taut little, ever so lightly-hairy body drenched with the male-sweat of a demanding performance, muscles glistening and resplendent with fame. Um....I need a moment to recover from the uber-gayness of that last sentence.

She's from someplace called Slough, England. Since I don't speak English none too good, I'm not sure if that's pronounced sloff or slow or slew. I could be all punny with any of those possible pronunciations......but dammit.....I have work to do!!

So for your viewing picture, here's photos of a boy in full drag and a boy half dressed. If neither of those things interest you, what the hell are you doing here anyway?

Have a blessed weekend.

Forces of Evil - Part II

While I would love to say hello to this (hint, hint) -- Cher is once again saying farewell for the very last time, (maybe) tomorrow night. By the way, Clear Channel produced her tour.

In this post a few months back, I summoned all my telepathetic powers and predicted that sooner or later Fox would own Clear Channel.

This story makes me wonder if moves aren't underway for Murdoch's evil empire to start acquiring more stock in the Texas-based radio conglomerate.

Tapping into my inner Madame Zorenka, fortune teller, soothsayer, prophetess....I predict that Fox will initially buy CC's outdoor entertainment component (which produces the largest tours in the country) thus giving them more power to control what you see and experience. The added benefit: higher dividends for Fox shareholders.

Because, kids....it's profits over people.

Or the spin-off of the outdoor business is simply a move to shore up the key piece Fox wants: your radio. Every single one of them.

We'll just have to wait and see. Moo haa haaaaaa.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Clear Channel Communications Inc., the largest U.S. radio station chain which has been battling falling audiences, on Friday said it will spin off its unit that produces live entertainment and sell about 10 percent of its outdoor advertising business in an IPO.

Wonder Showzen

Don't question me, Eddy.

Whatever you're doing tonight, you must stop and find a friend, a trick, a house with cable (and an unlocked, open window) and watch Wonder Showzen on MTV2. Consult your local listings or misanthrope hipster pothead, or all of the above. I wouldn't suggest getting all toked up your first time around though...you might just explode from laughter. Seriously.

STOP!

Don't be all smart and Google it. Just trust me. Or you can ask him -- if he's still alive (or still talking to me). I think the puppet getting a sex change might have just done him in. I am smacked-out-addicted to this show last week and I just can't stop.

It's like dolls....dolls!

Now, if that doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement, then I have failed in my duty to the dark side.

Maybe...just for the sake of sampling some forbidden fruit....you can watch the pilot: Kids Show - an extremely deranged version of Sesame Street.

Fear of Flying

A week ago, I jumped on a plane to embark on what was, essentially, a 6-day long first date. My friends were understandably concerned for my safety. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t afraid in the slightest. I knew who and what awaited me and I was by no means disappointed. I will admit that I was anxious – but that’s different in my book. Nervousness is one thing. Fear is another, quite-distinct emotion.

While I was in California, I had the opportunity to visit the Disney Concert Hall in downtown Los Angeles. Frank Gehry’s building is an amazing sight to behold. Gleaming and twisting, its surfaces reflect light while its walls arch upward towards the heavens at seemingly impossible angles. It has this strangely organic yet totally synthesized appearance.

I made only one purchase for myself while I was in L.A., and it was at the gift shop in the Disney Concert Hall. It’s a lovely little button that says, “Fear No Art.” It’s a mantra that I have tried to implement in my adult years.

The way I look at it, there’s an artfulness to living. We choose our palette, materials, motivation and go on our merry way to create experiences that have depth, meaning and nuance. We can live our lives painting fantastic strokes of color, we can build walls around our hearts, we can dance to a thousand little tunes, or we can quietly scratch out mundane little stories. I’m not too keen on the mundane little stories, but then not everyone is like me, for which I am very grateful. I get on my own damn nerves – and thankfully there are pleasant, calming stories to counterbalance my more bombastic expressions. In the great book of life, everyone has a story and regardless of how interesting (or not) those stories are, they all have intrinsic value.

On my next-to-last day in L.A., we made a trip to Beverly Hills, which seems to pride itself on the values that are printed on the price tags in its numerous boutiques and shops. Now I love the fashions, don’t get me wrong. For my journey into the heart of 90210, I wore my Stetson, camo-shorts, cute corduroy sandals, a Patty Hearst tee shirt and a denim jacket. It was decidedly urban hipster meets hillbilly holler. I chose to wear my “Fear No Art” button, because I wanted a little token of my value system as we trekked off to Rodeo Drive. I’ll admit I was a little nervous and afraid as we pulled into the Barney’s parking lot. Rich people kinda spook me.

I had an amazing time, though. And I nearly peed in my slacks when I saw that Taschen publishing had a bookstore in Beverly Hills. They, along with Chronicle Books, are my favorite publisher of interesting and fun books on art and pop culture.

While I was merrily skipping through the store, a man leaned over and said, “ Excuse me…but where did you get that button?”

“At the Disney Concert Hall,” I replied.

“May I ask you why you bought it?” he inquired with a little bit of feistiness.

“It’s a mantra I believe in,” I sassed back, thinking I was gonna have to tell someone off in Beverly Hills.

“Well…I’m the artist and I’m very delighted to hear that,” he said.

We wound up laughing and talking about art and life and how he was pitching a book to Taschen (that’s why he was at the store). He told me I was a good luck sign and he signed the back of my button, “4 Rob 2 Good Omens.”

It was a lovely bit of synchronicity for me. But every day on my trip had a moment or two or four like that. And odd little twist or tale or adventure. A great moment. An extraordinary laugh. A satisfied sigh. A tearful goodbye.

Now that I’m back home and settling back into my life, I’m making my rounds, dropping off the presents I purchased for my friends. When I walked into my favorite watering hole to say hi to some pals last night I was greeted with this right as I walked through the door:

It takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

I don't know my future after this weekend
and
I don't want to

And with that, Bjork’s artistic song-stylings added a final, fancy, bittersweet flourish to the amazing, emotional journey that I’ve been on this past week.

It does take courage to enjoy it – because courage is the opposite of fear.

And I’ve been afraid long enough.

Hors d'Oeuvre and Hair Dos

There's two, count 'em two fantastic events you can attend on May Day.

First, is the 17th annual Tasteful Affair, which funds the 263,180 meals that Food Outreach serves up each year to people living with HIV/AIDS. They are expecting 1,200 people, have an amazing silent auction of 300+ items, and more than 40 restaurants and caterers will be serving up yummy, tasty treats. Translation: a helluva lotta food and a helluva good time.

I'm volunteering and will be running around dressed as a table hustling engaging the guests.

Tasteful Affair
Sunday, May 1st
Chase Park Plaza
2-5 PM
$50 in advance, $65 at the door.
Call 314.652.FOOD (3663) *22 to make your reservation today!

After you've binged...it's time to purge! Hair burners will be engaged, enraged and insane over at the 9th annual Hairball Fashion Show later that evening that benefits St. Martha's Hall, a shelter for abused women and children. RuPaul is emceeing the event! We caught up with Mz. Charles: our uncut interview is here and our cover story article is here.

I'm likely to be hustling over there, too....but for drinks and cigarettes. It's not cheap being a gadfly. I still have no clue what I'm wearing -- I'll have to whip up some outfit Saturday. I've heard that understated is the new black, but I don't know what that word means.

Hairball 9
Sunday, May 1st
The Pageant
Doors: 7 p.m.
Showtime: 8 p.m. Translation: we're talking hair queens and drag queens. Show up at 10:30. Actually, they've run a fairly tight ship in year's past, so....maybe 9 p.m. I dunno. Just go!
Phone: 314-726-6161
Tickets are $25.

Like School on Sunday....

Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.
- Ann Landers

Whatever, honey.

Gimme a bottle of Aquanet, an open account up at Ferragamo and access to a rental car fortune and I'd be a classy broad, too.

Today's Horoscope

That exotic new acquaintance you've made? You know the one. You've been thinking about them for days. Well, they've been thinking, too, and thinking all the same things about you: that you're different, interesting and fun. So what's the holdup? Get in touch with them and let them know how you're feeling -- subtly, of course. No gushing.

Yeah. Like that's likely.

A Trip to the Moon on Gossamer Wings

Home.

And I'm all Cole Porter (with Evita undertones) with a dash of Neely O'Hara - as directed by Baz Luhrmann.

That's Hollywood for ya.

Method Living

The Scene: Another Perfect Day in Santa Monica and Venice Beach

The Background Music: Madeline Peyroux's You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

The Emotional Tone of the Scene: As self-indulgent as I've ever been.....without any regrets.

Donna Martin Graduates - Tori Spelling Shops

Today...we're headed off to my favorite zip code,90210, and then I've been told that we're make a quick jaunt into the Land of the Gays: West Hollywood.

I have my notepad and pencil ready to take notes on the number of facelifts and boob jobs that we see today - and I might even include some women in that count, too!!!

Liz Smith: Texan, Smartass....Hero

Liz lets loose

How do you feel about the fact that when people around the country or around the world think of Texas, they think of George W. Bush?

That's one of the things that I really don't like about the president -- that my state would be defined by Mr. Preppy. I think the whole Texas thing with him is such a put-on. I don't consider him a real Texan. When he tells you how great it was to grow up in Midland, I have to laugh.

Because?

Midland is a place you want to pass through.

Space Exploration

I gooched this photo from Ken's website. He's such a nice man and his new work is really sharp!

Baseline Gallery cordially invites you to share in an evening with us to support DOORWAYS.

Friday, April 22

Baseline Gallery +
Featuring artist Ken Konchel

1110 Washington Ave.
St. Louis, MO 63101
314.621.9188

Cocktail reception at 6:00 PM

Through the generous offering of Ken Konchel, pieces of his exhibit, "Space Exploration", will be available for sale. 10% of the proceeds will benefit DOORWAYS housing programs for people living with HIV/AIDS.

Hizzoner

It's not all bad news here today: that Angry Black Bitch and I went to the Mayor's Inaugural Ball last night! Here we are with Mayor Francis Slay last night -->

He was such a doll to us, considering we weren't actually invited. See, an invitation came addressed to some lady who used to work here. So I called them up and said, "She's gone....but can I come...and bring a guest?" They foolishly said yes!!!!!!!

We headed on over to the Museum of Old Shit & Stuff and I have to admit that while it wasn't the craziest party I've ever been to...it was one of those events that made me very proud to be a Democrat.

There were lots of handsome men of distinction, frightfully thin white ladies with sparkly, glittery handbags and a healthy dose of women who'd just had their hair did and Grandmas in their Sunday's Best.

Everybody was having a good time and the mix of ages, races and backgrounds made me feel, for a brief moment in time, that the things that on-the-surface seem to divide us, can be conquered and overcome, as long as you have a buffet (which I hit first) a bar (where ABB went first) and some frozen custard (which we both enjoyed).

Democracy is at its best when it comes with a flexible guest list and a healthy dose of carbs, booze, glitter and grandmas.

Been-a-Dick Sixteen

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design."

My friend Kelly left me a message last night asking me if I was happy to hear about the election of Pope Adolph II. Kelly has a way with words like that. That's why I try to stay on his good side.

Throwing on my best Nancy Drew outfit (boxers and my house shoes) I Googled Pope Benadryl and found the Ratzinger Fan Club where loyal Mary Worshippers do their best to but a fresh coat of paint on that steamboat headed down the River of Denial.

It's a sneaky tactic, trying to be all thoughtful and stuff:

Under Hitler, Ratzinger says he watched the Nazis twist and distort the truth. Their lies about Jews, about genetics, were more than academic exercises. People died by the millions because of them. The church's service to society, Ratzinger concluded, is to stand for absolute truths that function as boundary markers: Move about within these limits, but outside them lies disaster.

Well....gosh....that's settled. Distorting truth and lies are bad and the Church is responsible for setting a moral standard that disavows lying, hatred and intolerance.

If only that were the case.

See.....Pope Adolph Deux kinda likes to forget that tens of thousands of gay folks were up in the Nazi concentration camps, too. They weren't freed, either. Paragraph 175 kept thousands of gay men locked up until 1969. Yup. 1969. That's a long time to be in jail house just for "thinking" about sucking cock.

But I guess jail is where Cardinal Ratsass would like to see most of us gay boys:

“Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil.”

Intrinsic moral evil? I had no idea that liking and sometimes loving a fella was intrinsically evil. Is that as intrinsically and morally evil as fucking children? Oh, no....that whole business, according to Pope B-16 was blown out of proportion:

"I am personally convinced that the constant presence in the press of the sins of Catholic priests, especially in the United States, is a planned campaign, as the percentage of these offences among priests is not higher than in other categories, and perhaps it is even lower.

"In the United States, there is constant news on this topic, but less than 1% of priests are guilty of acts of this type. The constant presence of these news items does not correspond to the objectivity of the information nor to the statistical objectivity of the facts.

"Therefore, one comes to the conclusion that it is intentional, manipulated, that there is a desire to discredit the Church. It is a logical and well-founded conclusion."

Don't you just love logical and well founded conclusions? Here's one for ya, courtesy of his Pontificalness:

[W]hen civil legislation is introduced to protect behavior to which no one has any conceivable right, neither the Church nor society at large should be surprised when other distorted notions and practices gain ground, and irrational and violent reactions increase."

Translation: When gay folks demand equal rights, it should come as no surprise when they get fag-bashed. And finally:

“Those who would move from tolerance to the legitimization of specific rights for cohabiting homosexual persons need to be reminded that the approval or legalization of evil is something far different from the toleration of evil.”

Well Pope Adolph II sure has plenty of practice at tolerating evil, especially since he was a Nazi and insists that the tens of thousands of children raped by priests is simply over-blown media hype.

Jesus died for this shit? I think I'm converting - this sounds more fun anyway.

Have Caulk Will Travel

Douglas Hengehold was arrested last month after a witness claimed a dude with a caulking gun was running around sealing shut the distribution boxes for Detroit's gay newspaper.

A handwritten note (pictured right) was found in the same box in January when all the Sponge Bob madness was erupting.

Hengehold confessed to having a go at caulking three boxes, and was charged with malicious destruction of property.

P.R. Sweetie, P.R.!!!!!!

Learn the fine art of selling your soul (and getting me lots of free movie passes) this summer with an exciting job in the entertainment industry.

SUMMER INTERN NEEDED
for local PR agency

Publicize and Promote films on for;
Warner Bros * FOCUS Features * ROGUE Pictures * Paramount Classics

*Must be enrolled in Fall 2005 or previously finished Spring 2005 semester in an area college
*Must have own transportation
*Must be willing and able to work evenings to help cover film screenings

This is a PAID internship!

If interested, please fax a resume, Summer class schedule and work schedule to (314)918-8927 or email mstoker@grubbcleland.com Attn: Marla

I Want My Gay TV

Or maybe you do..... all I watch is PBS these days. Charlie Rose had on some French dude last night who knew a lot of stuff. Speaking of France, for those of you who are fans of Catherine Deneuve (and soft-core porn for that matter) give a shout out to the folks over at MTV who are set to launch their gay channel LOGO soon. You can sign up here to get exciting updates and information!.

Or call Charter Cable (so well known for their...um....business practices) at 314-965-0555 and tell them:
"I live in [where you stay] and am calling to tell your ass that I want LOGO's soft-core gay porn and Catherine Deneuve added to my overpriced cable lineup."

And let me know when you get it so I can some over and bitch about how bad it is. I don't believe in paying for the television. After beating my Lifetime, Television for Women addiction, I only have some rabbit ears in my house.

No News Is Not Good News

Just in case you're wondering if there's more going on than a bunch of men in red dresses quibbling over smoke signals...

Poseable Thumbs

It's like...gay porn...with dolls!!!

Actually, it is gay porn with dolls!!!

If simulated sex is not suitable for your workplace, I suggest you wait until you have some special time alone, at home, with your own piece of chiseled plastique!

--Thanks to Kelly for finding this smut!

Friendship & Justice

I've been told this event could feature singing nuns - which always ranks high on my list. Incidentally, I wish I had the power to shoot rainbow stars outta my hands, too....

What:
A Concert to Benefit Friendship and Justice Featuring
Fr. Tim Cook and Fourth Friday
The Parishes Around the Park Choir
Scott Emanuel, emcee

When:
Friday, May 13, 2005 7:00 PM

Where:
St. Margaret of Scotland Parish Hall
39th Street and Flad Ave.

Sponsored by:
Friendship and Justice
Gay and Lesbian Ministry
Parishes Around the Park
Holy Family + Holy Innocents
+ St. Margaret of Scotland + St. Pius V

Tickets:
$15 donation--pay at the door

Contact:
Marge O’Gorman, FSM
314-776-0363x9
friendshipandjustice@yahoo.com

Designer Dud

Operation R.O.C. has a problem with the childrens up in the schools wearing the latest fashions. Apparently, they have no problem with shoddy grammar and spelling and clearly they have not quite mastered turning off the Caps Lock:

THE SUPPORTERS OF OPERATION R.O.C REALIZES THAT OUR SCHOOLS HAS BECOME AN ARENA WHERE THE LATEST FASHIONS ARE DISPLAYED OR A BATTLEFIELD WHERE THE STRONGEST COLORS ARE WORN. THE SUPPORTERS OF OPERATION R.O.C HAS DECIDED TO TAKE A STAND.

We got a press release from them today, too...where the above passage was even more amusingly fucked up:

WE ALSO BELIEVE THAT THE DISTRACTION WHICH IS CAUSED BY THE OF WEARING DESIGNER CLOTHING HAS GREATLY AFFECTED THE CHILDREN'S NATURAL CAPABALITIES AND HAS HINDERED THEIR DESIRE TO REACH FOR HIGHER EDUCATION.

I'm sure these folks mean well......but we all know about the road paved with good intentioniedness.......

Paint and Glaze

This is one of my favorite parts of the tour. Say hello to our residents, Pedro and his wife, Inez. Pedro is working on an "Adobe." Can you say that with me?

MO-NOP-O-LY

Adobe Buys MacroMedia

"This is not a consolidation play. This is all about growth," said Bruce Chizen, Adobe's chief executive. "We're doing this because we believe the combined offerings will be even more compelling to our customers given the challenges they're going to face in trying to communicate information in this very complex environment."

Hold on one damn minute, Mr. CEO -- those statements actually mean NOTHING - it's actually insulting to play this off as a benefit to the consumer. This is some sort of Battle of the Network Browsers.

I'd run to the basement and hide......but y'all know that joke.

Sparkle, Rhinestones, Sparkle!

I loved Donnie and Marie - but these Mormons (from an article in the Post) have taken things too damn far. Imagine this was your high school prom:

The event was open to anyone, regardless of their faith, as long as they agreed to abide by some conditions. Drinking, smoking and skimpy clothes wouldn't be tolerated.

Wha?????

What kind of prom is that? And why would you choose to go to that kind of party in the first place. I wasn't a booze hound in high school, but Jesus....the best part of prom was smoking cigarettes and Jane Augustino's boob falling out....

And my favorite line:

Her mother then added a line of rhinestone buttons for sparkle.

Brass in Pocket - Voice on Tape

So do I, honey...so do I. Image ripped from Jimmy's blog.

If St. Louisans feel so inclined to travel into the suburban hinterlands, you can rock out to Ashlee Simpson's pre-recorded song-stylings at the Family Arena in St. Charles county tonight!

Now, don't let the name of the place fool you.

Even though the Lifeway Christian Convention (which boasts, "dynamic messages, soul-stirring music and a 1,000 voice choir presenting the famous musical Celebrate Life") is headed to the Family Arena soon - I've seen Joan Jett there....and a couple of other shows, too. But I was real drunk at those shows and don't remember who or what I saw. Except a lotta mullets - worn without irony.

But I clearly remember Joan Jett (kind of).

Speaking of forgetting, I'm sure that the Post's Kevin Johnson would like to forget the hardest sentence a pop-music critic has ever had to write:

Simpson says her favorite part of the show is when she covers pop and rock legends such as Madonna ("Burning Up"), Debbie Harry ("Call Me") and Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders ("Brass in Pocket").

Sadly enough, I won't be at tonight's show. I'm planning on doing something more enjoyable like pulling off my toenails with pliers and eating them.

The Three C's

I’m sitting here eating my cottage cheese, drinking my coffee, thinking about a cigarette.

Those have been my three c’s lately. There is no room for cream cheese covered carrot cake (pictured right), which is clearly five c’s and not allowed on the South Beach Diet (see below).

And one of my co-workers, a super-buff, super-worked-out, attractive, muscley fan of exercise brought in this carb containing cursed carrot cake yesterday (see above). He does this to me and ABB all the damn time. He should know better – he’s been supportive of our efforts to shed some pounds. Miss ABB counts her calories and berates me when I occasionally break down and have a meatball sandwich. I do give myself some leeway to eat (at least once a week), but in this past year, I’ve dropped 30+ pounds, taken 7 inches off my waist and started working out (with cigarette in mouth, naturally).

I’ve been back on my diet hard core and biking like a lunatic since Mardi Gras because it’s almost summer time and for once in my life, I’d like to wear a tank top. I’m not even aiming for shirtless – sleeveless is just fine, thank you.

But for the past two days, all I can think about is that carrot cake. It’s not that I really even want it, it’s just that it’s there...calling out to me...and I can’t have it...and it’s driving me crazy.

Well….my lunch break is over…I have some website work to do. And that carrot cake might just accidentally fall into the trash can. Better yet…it might just wind up perched outside his office, so that it falls on his head when he opens his door, or find its way to the seat of his chair (where he could accidentally sit on it). You’ve got a hungry homo and an angry black bitch here plotting a caloric counterstrike and it might get real ugly real quick.

Seven Eleven - South Beach Style

My diet gurus send me little notes via the internets daily. Today's message addresses the dilemma many of us face at 3:17 A.M. when you stroll into the Stop-N-Shop-N-Stuff drunk, high, stupid, hungry or all of the above:

Convenience Store Snacking
What should you do if you find yourself hunting for food in a convenience store? First, keep your hands off the highly processed foods that are filled with trans and saturated fats, including most chips, cookies, snack cakes, candy bars, nachos, and frozen drinks.

The next time you're at a convenience store, take a few minutes to look around instead of simply grabbing something off the shelf. You may be surprised to find individual packets of roasted nuts and seeds.

Yummmmmmm.....roasted nuts and seeds when I want a Super-Double Cherry Coke Big Gulp, 4 taquitos, a package of Funyons, and a box of Ding-Dongs.

Seeds and nuts?

Shit - it's easier not to eat. Just gimme a Diet Red Bull and a box of Mini-Thins. I'm going to an after hours.

Better Homos & Gardens

My bike ride was cut short tonight because it started raining. I came home and since I don't watch anything on the television anymore, I was vexed.

I thought about cleaning, but started looking around my apartment and realized:

I'm a fucking mess.

Regardless of how much time I spend over at Ryan's (whose place is charming and cute) or Kelly's (who has stuff in plastic tubs and its labeled), I simply cannot grasp how to get my shit organized. For them, it seems like everything has its tidy, logical place. Ryan's apartment has this very real adult aura to it and Kelly is planting flower beds and doing artistic and tasteful things with stones in his front and back yards.

What I want to know is, where does one logically put thousands of completely random, totally useless, but incredibly charming knickknacks and fashion treasures?

Sometimes, I'd just love to throw all my shit out. What's documented below does not even begin to graze the surface of the enormity of the not-good-enough-for-Goodwill crap that I have.

BEDROOM Found photo canvas of darling, bratty girl Saturday's hat Lamp (not plugged in) Candle Loose change An old wallet Photo-Mount Corners Old Gucci knockoff belts that will become sort of necklace someday Jingle bells Floral tape Sunglasses case (2) and one is empty Pens Gift Certificate Broken Vintage Eyeglasses More loose change Baseball candle Eyeball picture frame Broken vintage watch (too cute to throw out)
DRESSER TOP 5 thick-band watches Business cards Vintage Brownie pin 5 vintage bow ties Mystery OTC pills Engraved cigarette lighter (broken or empty?) Chapstick Found photo of dude with really, scary super long tongue More jingle bells Super fancy, super sparkly crown brooch Hardhat key chain Neosporin
KITCHEN After shave-moisturizer Flowers for Kelly's birthday present in a Playboy Bunny drinking glass Whitening toothpaste Pocket knife Hair grooming gel Sack of nuts Ice tea that I made when I got home from work (and forgot) Can opener Clean(?) coffee pot Lid to mystery Glad container
KITCHEN TABLE Vintage hat box - now my makeup case Empty Target bag Vase of acrylic flowers and one yellow feather Light bulbs (new in box) and one loose (no idea where it came from) Yellow nubby things for some corsage someday My orange biking vest Sparkly beads I didn't wear Saturday A potholder Bag of buttons Sales receipts Glitter (3 tubes) Sinex or some OTC allergy shit Bills CD - labeled Bionic
MY OFFICE-WORKROOM 3.5' wide orange horse on easel where I've strung: Neckties (lots) 4 hats Angel wings 3 fashion man bags Moving on...Oh! another hat for a summer day The iced tea I made after my bike ride Books Software (strangely enough...in their sleeves and in their boxes) Today's mail

I think I'll just go scrub my toilet. That's easy enough to do. And fortunately, the bathroom is not a mess. Yet.

Unwise & Unfortunate

Hey, kids!

Some wacky scientists from Ohio sent out thousands of killer flu virus samples. Whoops! And the World Health Organization issued an alert saying that was a ding-dong thing to do:

"The risk is relatively low that a lab worker will get sick, but a large number of labs got it and if someone does get infected, the risk of severe illness is high and this virus has shown to be fully transmissible," WHO's influenza chief, Klaus Stohr, told The Associated Press.

It was not immediately clear why the 1957 pandemic strain, which killed between 1 million and 4 million people - was in the proficiency test kits routinely sent to labs.

It was a decision that Stohr described as "unwise," and "unfortunate".

Clearly, that official got her P-H-fucking-D in understatement.

So.......A Needle Pulling Thread

I have one more rant in me this week -- and then I'm being nice. Promise. Well...maybe.

So...this stupid fuck who has clearly taken too many steroids comes up to me Saturday when I'm volunteering and says, "Didn't I meet you at *blahbity-blah-blah event*?"

I say yes, remembering his name and how we chatted about IKEA or some lame-ass wine bar that annoying fags like him go to far too frequently. He's dumb as hell, honey...but he is kinda cute... so I do my best to engage.

"Well....I like you the 'other way' so much better..." and he walks away, without buying a raffle ticket, gulping his drink before he heads off to the bathroom...to powder his...um....nose or something.

I get that shit all the time. And while I usually laugh it off, make some joke about being "incognito tonight"....deep-down.....I just wanna say:

"So?! I don't like you any way I've ever seen you. Whether it's up in here - where I know you didn't buy your own ticket.....whether it's on men4sexnow.com where you have a 10 year old picture with your ass up in the air (literally), or how about the last time you propositioned my ass on gay dot com, or even when I see you cruising the park when I'm on my Sunday bike ride.....oh wait - let's not forget last week when I witnessed your credit card being declined up at the Pottery Barn. I'm not here for your tired ass to tell me I'm more attractive when I put on my cheap ass suit from Marshalls and get my $8 haircut...... I'm here, one way or the other, to have some fun and do my part so that folks living with HIV/AIDS get some fucking God-damn healthcare....and if that means I have to put on some glitter or work a registration line, my ass is doing something to give back. And last I heard, all you give people is crabs...."

That's what I'd like to say.

But I don't.

But one of these days.......one of these days........some queen is gonna get read. It's gonna be a full on episode of Reading Rainbow and this glitter-shoe-clicking, full-on-friend-of-Dorothy, pseudo-drag-queen, ruff-n-stuff when-the-lights-go-out homosexual is gonna be deadly accurate....for once.

And you'll be the first to hear about it. And that's a promise I will keep.
- - - - -
Photos ripped from the great guys over at Blacktie-St. Louis

Pretty-n-Punk'd

I love my friends. I love them. I love them.

I'll love them til death!

Even though it was Kelly's birthday yesterday, I got a present - two of them, in fact and a oh-so-special surprise today! Jim and Kelly gave me an amazing found photo and a very lovely Eva Gabor wig that Jim had found out thrifting!

Get your own today at E-Bay!

We took a stroll down to the Moolah Temple Theatre to see Sin City. What a visually stunning and compelling movie. I got a little hot and bothered watching the strangely sexy anti-hero played by Mickey Rourke, and almost jumped to me knees when super hot hookers kicked ass. I know I clapped when some asshole got his just desserts. Finding redemption through revenge and making the truly evil suffer, but doing it with style - brilliant!

After the show, Kelly opened his gifts, one of which I lovingly made by hand. And we then dashed across town to see our other dear friend Joe, who has been pulling all this double duty at Freddies. I decided to wear my new wig (and the lovely clear shower cap that came with it) because I knew it would make Joe laugh and produce quizzical looks from the gays. I'm like that. Always thinking of others......

While I was chatting with the DJ, who is an innocent and thus protected from my wrath, my dear sweet friends, that I love so-so much were outside fiddling with the sandwich board and did this!

I didn't even know this happened last night. I had no idea while we were sitting around sharing drinks and laughs. I remember, now, the look of smug contentment on my friends faces as we sat telling stories and when Ryan suggested a trip to the bear bar (where the wig briefly became a chest merkin), I followed without reservation. I walked right by the sign, unaware my phone number is out there for any random stranger or potential serial killer out on the street to see. I guess posting the pic here isn't a Brainiac kinda move - but hell, it did made me laugh today. I wonder if I'm gonna get any calls or if folks are gonna start strolling up into Freddies for a wash-n-set?

I also wonder how long it will take for me to extract my revenge for this oh-so-clever prank.

After all, if there's one lesson that my dear, sweet, oh-so-close-to-my-heart friends should have learned from watching Sin City....there's always retribution.

Carnivale

Today, I made a little outfit to wear to a benefit for Saint Louis Effort For AIDS -- an organization I worked for for more than two years. I was volunteering tonight and worked the room -- selling a little over $500 in raffle tickets in an hour (at $2 a pop, no less.....) I was happy to have contributed what I could ( my big mouth and aggressive, yet sincere, hondling). The agency is the oldest AIDS service organization in St. Louis and provides critical care service for folks living with HIV/AIDS.

After the party, that Angry Black Bitch and I picked up Ryan's ass and headed out for mischief.

It's all about the shoes, honey...I'm taaarrred...just some captions - coz that Aleve is kickin in.

Joe sure was busy up in the Hee Haw Holler of a bar he manages....

I tried to do a group shot of her, him and him and clearly failed.

That's better.

D.J. Danny Morris - just back from working on a RuPaul video. Sounded like a whole lotta drama....

Me, Joyce and Miss Jen. I love these girls!

That Angry Black Bitch.....don't let that smile fool you, though. She's just all nice 'coz Ryan bought her a drink.....

I had my tired ass up on the sofa. 7.5 hours in those shoes...and I was tore up.

Another Joe....I dunno much spy news about him ('coz he's always so damned nice) - 'cept he coulda spilled his tea - but didn't. Now that's friendship.

Miss Clip, Girl....I loved her scarf...and she's so very, very wry....

Mike and I promised to take another field trip soon....

It was a fun night...but I don't kow which is sorer - my feet or my mouth (from making that same retarded expression in every flipping photo).

A Waste of Good Wood

My pretend internet boyfriend (who is a gay from New York) compiles the data on the Pope's IKEA-cum-Country Living casket here. Incidentally, he cracked my eggs with this post.

But my thoughts today travel west to Los Angeles (which they've been doing a lot lately), where I'll be (gulp) two weeks from today. Type "coffins" and "Los Angeles" and you find this site.

Octagon Lamb Steel or Silver
Affectionately called "Little Aunt Sarah" and covered in floral embossed cloth, this casket has been a big seller for over seventy years.
List Price: $894 Your Price: $447

Did you know you can save 50%-75% off retail prices and get free local delivery!!

That's a relief! I can only imagine trying to strap "Little Aunt Sarah" on the top of my car, which is something I most certainly do not intend to do on my visit. I've been promised a trip to the Kabbalah Center and if you have any "must-sees" please let me know.

Young Athletic Men In Shorts....

are more fun to watch than an old,dead man in a dress.

Yes....I know, unimaginable.

But that's the state of television nowadays when folks tune in to what turns them on.

Read this week's rant on popculturejunkies.com here.

Hillcrest Abbey

I remember how much I loved to play hide and go seek when I was little. Especially in the graveyard at Barren Run Baptist Church.

I'm not sure how or why we were able to get away from sitting through the Sunday evening services, but there were countless times when five or six of us found ourselves thankfully missing all the holy rolling. I can vividly remember the setting sun and the lightning bugs making their way up the sloping hill from Barren Run Creek as the church's shadow crept across the tombstones of long-dead relatives.

All our kin were buried there, so it wasn't actually sacrilegious, at least that's the way I looked at it then (and now). It was just good ole spooky fun, especially hiding behind your great-great-great-grandmother or sometimes tumbling across a long-dead-distant cousin who'd died as a child. See, if you died young, you didn't get a big stone that stood up, you got a much smaller rock, set flush to the ground, and they were damn easy to trip over. Those stones you avoided unless you wanted a busted knee or lip.

My grandparents and their parents are way up on the hill and it gets pitch black up there once night sets in. The woods crept real close to their graves but you never, EVER went there. Playing in the graveyard was no big deal, but there was no way you'd find me trekking off into the woods where copperheads, Big Foot and scary white trash lived.

I bring this up because today's biking adventure included a visit to a mausoleum that's only a mile or so from my house and in all my time here in St. Louis, I'd never noticed it - until last week. I went and voted in the mayoral and school board elections and then rode to the Hillcrest Abbey. There are four buildings at Hillcrest and they are set up on a hill that affords quite a view of the state mental hospital a few blocks away. All that Girl, Interrupted stuff is interesting, but I've read enough Sylvia Plath and I'll keep my adventures to the dead, thank you. I'm pretty convinced I'll walk out of a mausoleum alive -- but I'm not so sure what a visit to an asylum would do to me.

There's a modern looking chapel, an outdoor mausoleum, the crematory and the columbarium. I walked around the crematory and all I could do is think of Pope John Paul II - white smoke, ya know? There was no smoke and I'm not even sure if the crematory is still functioning. I will admit that I didn't try to open any doors of the building, especially since I was by myself. Once again, that whole leaving-it-the-same-way-that-you-entered-it scenario guided my judgment. The columbarium, on the other hand fascinated me. I parked my bike and walked in through an old screen door and a pair of large, solid dark wooden doors.

It was very quiet. And as I entered the columbarium, I instinctively took off my bike helmet...yeah, yeah...I'd play in a graveyard, but I won't wear a hat indoors. My mother would be so proud before she slapped me across my helmetless head. In front of me was a large table with artificial flowers and some Christmas arrangements that should have been thrown out months ago. Some of the fake shit was fabulous and I couldn't help thinking what a marvelous brooch this or that would make. But I curbed my kleptomania....Jesus, Rob...you're in a crypt...act right! Behind the table is a downward winding staircase and rows of vaults with names engraved on them. Some of the vaults are extra fancy and have flower holders, most of which are empty.

There's several different setups in the columbarium. There's one room that features a huge glass case and there are tiny boxes and sometimes photographs in each receptacle. Some of the depositories are fancier than others and I looked for a Thurman, but couldn't find one. The names seemed German, Polish....and there were some Nga's, Njung's......quite the mix, I must say. It was very clean, but a little run down. That room reminded me of an abbey in Indiana that I visited with an ex-boyfriend. A nun gave us a tour, showcasing the reliquaries made from the hair of the dead sisters. The hair was woven and braided, made into fantastic, ornate shapes and sealed inside boxes with their names on little plaques. Before we left, the nun gave us some fruit, some water and told us that God was always with us. She knew we were fags and said that, too....it was nice.

Things weren't so nice as it started to get dark today, though. The creepiest moment was pushing open the men's room door --located on the outside of the columbarium. It was all Blair Witch meets Leatherface..meets it rubs the lotion on its skin........but fuck....I just had to do it. Me and public restrooms - but that's another post. And then the memory on my camera ran out and I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

View the Slide Show Here!

I rode my bike home, racing against the sunset, thinking about how I used to play among the dead as a little kid, thinking it was some sort of spooky treat. But today I had a very different experience looking at so many people long-gone and seemingly unremembered. It made me sad seeing so many empty vases (if that's what they're called). That, I think is the saddest thing about dying -- the irrelevancy that takes us all, unless you're a Grade-A Superstar or Asshole. It hurt my heart seeing so many once-beloved people left unremembered -- and it was just Easter. I wondered, do Jews visit their dead relatives at Passover? That's coming up. And Mother's Day.

I think I might make it my duty to visit these folks from time to time and tell them about what's going on in the world that has long forgotten them. We cannot fight death, but there's no excuse for irrelevancy.

bbbjtcnqns

Thanks to Kevin for sharing this:
Popular Acronym list for B

ACRONYM/MEANING
bbbjtcnqns/Bare Back Blow Job to Completion No Quit, No Spit

Speaking of Boxes....

This logo has some...um.....problems.

The Arlington Pediatric Center (APC) provides outpatient medical care to children of low income families in Arlington County. APC opened its doors in January 2001 to provide a medical home to medically under-served children in Arlington County.

I'm not even gonna touch that "under-served" part.

Thanks to Kelly for this!

The Homosexuality Box....

Now this sounds like fun!

Webster University's Baptist Student Union is bringing an Ex-Gay to campus tonight to discuss his escape from:
"The Homosexuality Box".
9:30pm
Sunnen Lounge in the University Center
175 Edgar Rd.

The LGBT student group, the Webster Pride Association, is encouraging LGBT folks to attend the event, respectfully.

Webster Pride Association will host a de-briefing/de-bunking session directly after the event in another meeting room in the University Center.

Haggar the Horrible

You don't have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude, honey. My Haggars and I have found new life with the New Power Generation.

I shoulda known we were headed into trouble last night when Ryan and I found ourselves lost outside an East-side titty bar with the slogan, "Just a Kiss Away...." Yeah just one kiss away from needing that first shot of penicillin.

Needless to say, we eventually made our way to Faces, where in the midst of a spin-drop-kick-turn (not "a dip" as he described it) I had a massive blow out and my fancy red Haggar Perma-Prest slacks became a lot more...um....airy and loose. Built to last, my ass......which, I'll let you know, is 10 pounds smaller than when I wore those pants to see Felix da Housecat last year and I had nary a problem!

Speaking of asses, which we gays always seem to do....let it not be said that I will not make one of myself literally for the sake of another's amusement.

Click here for the whole sordid mess.

Shue fly, Shue!

Proof that some people in Hollywood actually know their limits:
Elisabeth Shue Seeks Actress for Her Film (AP)

Turn About is Fair Play

Last night, I picked up Rocky and Joe and we scooted downtown for the monthly Art Walk. Four years of art school prepared me for the scene: lotsa folks, free wine, fine cheeses of the world and cute fashions. And, oh....there was artwork to look at, too.

Rocky made me giggle about half-way through the evening when she told me she didn't realize how easy it was to get half-crocked going to art openings. I assured her that's why most folks go. It's the one benefit of being an artist or patroness of the arts.

Our next stop was across-town at Olympia for some yummy Greek food and then we scooted down to Magnolia's to check out the Turn About benefit for St. Louis Black Pride. Once again: lotsa folks and cute fashions.

In case you don't know, a Turn About is a drag event where folks who aren't drag queens transform themselves into luscious visions of dragliness for a night of lip-synching hysteria. The highlight of the evening was our friend Anthony and his final drag number. Well over 6 feet tall, solid and strong, Anthony twisted, turned, kicked, did backwards somersaults and threw down the drag guantlet - all to Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth. Something so wrong has never been so right.....