Sound Portraits

Not all things in this world are trifling. The stories told here are powerful and compelling.

Sound Portraits Productions is an independent production company dedicated to telling stories that bring neglected American voices to a national audience. Whether on the radio, in print, or on the Web, Sound Portraits is committed to producing innovative works of lasting educational, cultural, and artistic value.

Onward Christian Dollar Rolls: My Day at Love Won Out

Growing up in the rural south in the 1970’s, I encountered very few examples of religious expression. You could choose between Southern Baptist or Evangelical Pentecostalism. Catholicism was even frowned upon in the dry-county in which I was raised. The folks down the road who hosted monthly fire and brimstone rattlesnake revivals didn’t much care for “drinkers” who played Bingo every Friday. These were the same folks who’d burn a cross on a random Friday night, too. Ecumenical dialogue wasn’t high on their list of priorities.

Like many gay men, I left the church in my adolescence – my budding sexuality identity didn’t jive with all that Sunday School gossip and hell in a handlebar mustache (it was the 70’s). A church filled with eternal damnation and greedy, mean-spirited hypocrites isn’t exactly a motivator to get out the bed on Sunday morning.

As is turns out, many gay men who left the church in their youth are coming back to it as they get older, hoping that a professed faith in Jesus will remove their homosexual desires. Better yet, there are droves of bright-eyed, clean cut, attractive “recovering” gay men waiting in aisles -- ready to engage them with the new millennia’s version of Sin Management.

That’s what I experienced yesterday at the Love Won Out conference hosted by the First Evangelical Free Church located in the western suburbs of St. Louis County. For the past eight years, James Dobson’s Focus on the Family organization has mounted a nationally-traveling quarterly event that not only claims that homosexuality can be prevented – but that it can also be cured.

The event features 14 different sessions, ranging from The Condition of Male Homosexuality (which is caused by poor parenting and a flare for theatricality in childhood) and The Condition of Female Homosexuality (which is not so easy to explain, as they note: “lesbianism is complex”). There are also workshops designed to showcase how you, too, can be cured of homosexuality. All you need to do is sign that check for $7,000 and spend three months engaged in lesbian lock-down at a “secure location” in Memphis, Tennessee.

As the day progressed, I noticed that the traditional, fundamentalist church service format was slowly morphing into a pray-the-gay-away 12-step meeting, where all sinners are welcome, especially you. Yup, and you and you and you!

I saw gleanings of a Christian movement that’s not about hell and damnation – but soul saving salvation. I heard pleas for Christian outreach into the heart of the gay community. I heard repeated calls for tolerance and understating.

Which makes complete sense.

The people making the call for reform and change are “recovering” gays and lesbians who are trying to fix the church that shut them out so many years ago. They gave up gay to get God – and whether or not you believe that’s a necessary trade-off, they sure do – and so did 1,750 others yesterday.

- - - -

What I know is this:

If you’re ever in the mood to spend ten hours in the company of hundreds of sexually-frustrated, reasonably intelligent, religiously-conflicted and WASPishly good-looking men – then you need to sign up for the next Love Won Out Conference in Fort Lauderdale. Then go hit the beach.

It’ll be one helluva show.

When you’re sitting in an auditorium filled with a thousand true-believers who shout Amen! on cue, it’s not that hard to believe that someone will readily renounce homosexuality. It’s even more believable when armed deputies are patrolling the perimeter of the room. I counted eight throughout the course of the day.

Truly, Bible thumping might deter some manly pumping...but drama...well, it sure as shit ain’t cured by reading Leviticus. They might not be gay anymore, but some old-school-trained ex-queens were holding court yesterday.

I have never seen such a spectacle. There were sermons filled with tears, laughter was pealing from the pews, hands were outstretched in pious praise, folks were talking in tongues and there were all sorts of holy-rolling, hetero-extolling, homos-gotta-get-going testimonies and jubilatory messages of redemption and salvation.

Oh. Anne Heche’s mother, Nancy, also spoke. She had on a really nice outfit – a tailored jacket and a well-designed and interesting skirt, but she still seemed awfully saccharine and smarmy. And kinda crazy. Some revelation that was.

- - - -

Thinking about it hours later, it occurred to me that Love Won Out was the gayest anti-gay event I have ever experienced. It was like a circuit party without the drugs – it was like Talbot’s with a Tabernacle.

A veritable Pentecostal PowerPoint presentation promoting pious, procreating penetration.

The presenters and the conference organizers have their shit together, though. It is a well-oiled, money-making machine. Check-in was a breeze but they still wore protective gloves and searched your bags when you entered the sanctuary. Christ’s love only goes so far, I guess.

Outside the chapel, there were banks of computers generating audio-CDs seconds after the speakers were finished. Those CDs, along with hundreds of books and Nalgene-inspired commemorative water bottles could be purchased at a station of four cash registers that remained 5-people deep, all day long.

There was also a tasty, slightly-upscale boxed lunch to enjoy (provided, strangely-enough, by a local catering company that’s well known for its support of the gay community). I found myself humming “Onward Christian Dollar Rolls” and considered suggesting a new tag line for Love Won Out.

Forget the closet – just stay in the kitchen.

- - - -
While I’m being a tad flippant about the event -- there were moments that are lingering in the back of my mind. I struck up with a conversation with a young man who was visibly shaken by one of the presenters. He was a nice looking man, well-dressed (of course), highly educated and thoroughly unhappy with his life, on a multitude of levels.

Visibly Shaken: “ I can’t believe that I’m at this ex-gay conference in St. Louis and all I can think about is how excited I am that I’m going to Ikea when I fly back home tomorrow.”

Me: “Just because you like to shop at Ikea doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you like modern, contemporary designs at an affordable price.”

VS: “Well...not when you’re from Georgia.”

He went on to tell me that he couldn’t seem to find his place in this world.

He wasn’t worried about being gay – he told me he was married to a lady best described as “Jesus in a dress.” He did, however, feel his masculinity was threatened by his furniture preferences, his clothing selection, his fitness routine. He was very concerned that others perceived him as gay – based solely on what he owns and how he looks.

I suggested a subscription to Adbusters – and mentioned that combating poverty rather than coveting Prada might be more in line with his religious goals.

I didn’t get an Amen, just a shrug of the shoulders.

“I guess,” he said, and walked away into a crowd of ladies who were scooping up copies of Out of Egypt: Leaving Lesbianism Behind.

As for discussions of lesbianism, there was only one speaker who addressed that issue. She claimed to be from Kentucky but pronounced Louisville the wrong way. By that I mean, anyone “really” from Kentucky pronounces Louisville like this: “Luhl-vul”

She kept saying “Louie-ville” and I didn’t believe a word outta her mouth after that.

The other thing that will linger for me is the moment I left the church. Granted, I wanted a cigarette and wanted to get out of the line of fire – but I also wanted to see how the gay community in St. Louis was conducting itself in an organized protest outside the church. Earlier in the week, several billboards promoting the event had been vandalized – and so had the church. While no one could pin-point gay activist as the culprits, the media was abuzz with suspicions.

The final sermon was very poignant and was very critical of certain hypocritical stances taken by Christian conservatives. It was well written, well sourced – there were Orwellian references and Churchill quotes, smatterings of old-time religion and new age consciousness. It was a call to action, couched in the tender, compassionate and concerned terms.

Before we were adjourned, we were informed that more protesters had arrived and that they were very agitated. We were asked to remember God’s love and instructed to leave quietly, respectfully, graciously with peace in our hearts. If we wanted, we could come up front and have hands laid upon us before we had to combat the throng of gays outside.

I may have my disrespectful moments, but ain’t nothing get laid on me in a church.

And it was true – there were hundreds of folks outside screaming, chanting and yelling. It was, as far as I’m concerned, a public relations disaster. Those protesters would have had a better chance at changing minds and would have had much better press if they were clutching white candles, holding hands, looking luminarious. Think white-winged doves or some shit like that.

These Love Won Out people are not stupid – they craft compelling messages of hope, redemption and change and sent over a thousand people out into the descending twilight and pissed-off protest. It was a brilliant stroke of crowd-control and negative reinforcement.

Think about it. If you’re feeling conflicted about your sexuality who’s going seem more welcoming: a gaggle of gregarious gays picketing your religious observance or an assembly of well-groomed, well-behaved, well-mannered, well-worked-out men?

Let me repeat that: many of these men were f-i-n-e.

And from my point of view, I say: let ‘em go.

Dating is hard and I sure as shit can’t compete with a 25-year-old former football jock with a great ass and a Christ complex. Being middle aged, overweight, outspoken, with no fucking clue why somebody would wear shoulder pads and nylon leggings in 100 degree heat, I dunno that world of Abercrombie and Fitch.

Let the ladies fight over him...go on, cutie….go!!!!

Seriously, though -- the number of good-looking men who confessed to being emotionally devastated and spiritually bankrupt was heart-breaking.

That’s the fatal faggot flaw, according to Focus on the Family and the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality.

Is it really?

Are most gay men simply flawed and fixable straight men?

Or is it that some straight men are just afraid they’re just one beer bong away from a little man-on-man action in the locker room?

I can’t answer that question, but it’s one I consider for time to time and it’s the reason I went to this event in the first place.

All people are searching for answers in their life. Some folks find them easier than others. Some folks spend their whole lives questioning. And some people would rather you never ask the question in the first place.

- - - -

One final thing: I was pissed when I heard that someone vandalized the billboards for this event and that someone desecrated the church hosting it.

That. Won’t. Do.

You see, I’ve had my college gay-support group signs vandalized, I’ve been threatened, I’ve had a gun pressed into my back outside a gay bar, I’ve had a brick thrown through my window, I’ve been hassled by fundamentalists at PrideFest, I’ve been harassed by skinheads, frat boys and even gay men wearing leather.

As much as I disagree with Focus on the Family – I do believe they have every right to assemble in public – and to assemble in peace. And I have every right to attend that trifling meeting and decide for myself if their reeducation process is religious expression or a crock of self-hating, white people bullshit.

One of the featured speakers noted the major reason why hundreds of men spend thousands of dollars to go through his de-gayification process: a “longing to be typical.”

And I saw that longing in the faces of so many gay men who attended this conference. Many were sitting on the edge of their seats in rapt attention, wiping the tears from their eyes as former ex-gays spoke of their unhappy, unrewarding lives as homosexuals. You could hear that longing in their tremulous voices as they were making their soul-crushing sin-confessions in the breakout sessions .

This longing to be “just like everybody else”.

Is that what this supposed culture war is really all about?

Conformity?

That’s the thing about one group trying to control the lives and minds of others. It’s destined to end badly, regardless of the tactics that are used. Folks will always resist what they consider to be deliberate and mean-spirited attacks on their way of life. And they’ll either react with grace, anger or silence.

The way I see it, the Grace of God is not about finding solutions for other people. It’s about getting right with yourself and harming no one else in the process.

Anger leads to more anger and silence doesn’t do shit.

And all this incessant clanging isn’t providing a whole lotta answers to folks who feel alone life’s journey.

Whether it’s a journey to redemption or a red-tag sale at your nearest Ikea.

Woman's Arm Severed In Car Accident

and...was found near the accident still clutching a cell phone.

Yes Ma'am Means No Problems

Shocking News from London, y'all: when parents are involved in their child's education and children are taught some manners -- they do better in school.

This is a revelation?

All I know is that my country parents put up with some willful-ass behavior on my part. Still -- there were a few rules they taught me that linger to this day.

1. Do not - and I repeat - do not EVER mess with a lady's pocketbook.

2. There is a difference between being rude and being tacky. Being rude shows you have no class -- and being tacky shows you have no sense.

3. Do not back-talk your elders. Wait for them to leave the room before you talk trash about them. That's the smallest of courtesies you should extend to someone who has managed to live that long and still be that trifling.

4. Your ass will be busted with a hickory switch if and when you get caught acting up in school. Either you avoid trouble -- or you learn how not to get caught. You just need to decide which you think you're better at doing. And I can assure you that a couple of swats with that hickory switch made me very determined to never....EVER...get caught. Except for that lady's pocketbook business. Women, especially mothers, know when you mess with their stuff. Trust.

5. If you think that teacher is dumb -- just wait for the day when his asshole brother (the sherriff) gives you a speeding ticket and then his jackass-of-a father is the presiding judge when you challenge it in court.

On second thought, I dunno if that taught me manners -- but I did learn, very early on, that this world is not fair and is full of powerful nit-wits.

Powerful nit-wits who frequently raise tacky-ass, ill-mannered children.

Speaking of.....why wasn't Flora Bush more popular? Poor thing -- just look at her myspace profile.

Oh, well...that's other people's children for you.

Like school on Sunday.

No class.

Hip Replacement

Hey, kids!

Two interesting things to note today.

First, this excerpted article from the fella who started the "flash mob" movement back in 2003 illuminates something I've been mulling over for quite a while: even the hippest scenesters will act like sheepish gack-wads just for the sake of looking cool.

Clearly, some folks never learned three important lessons from Heathers:

A.) Just 'coz all the popular kids are doing it, doesn't mean you should, too.....

B.) One good movie role will forever endear you to folks who also struggle with kleptomania, drug-addiction and a fondness for fellas with anger management issues.

C. ) There is no redemption for people who secretly loathe their vacuous relationships with gack-wad, poseur hipsters. All you get from all that hateration is a fucked-up hair-do, a half-lit cigarette and a date with a suicidal fat chick in a wheelchair (which, strangely enough, reminds me of Muriel's Wedding).

- - - -

On a not-so-lighter-note...and I'll just quote the press-release:

The latest book by Adbusters founder Kalle Lasn, Design Anarchy, takes an unflinching look at contemporary art and design, implicating its seemingly innocuous practices in crimes against our culture and our planet.

Ooohhh!!! In other words, Ikea is the Anti-Christ and Target is just one-cute-fad-away from permanently destroying your sense of identity.

Ahhh...there's nothing quite like the feeling you get when you realize your desperate attempts to remain relevant are pre-programmed, pre-determined choices made by Minneapolis-based art directors.

Big Fun, indeed!

Hurray for Bitchitude!

Happy Birthday, Angry Black Bitch!

All We Need Now...

...is a good, old-fashioned witch-hunt.

Ya know, something to fan the flames of hysteria just a little bit more. Somebody (Osama spotted in Vegas!), some group, some objective to get us all spooked and upset and anxious and nervous.

The stage has been set for a run at fascism, American style:
U.S.-sponsored torture

Illegal government wiretaps

Surveillance cameras in our major cities (Chicago, Houston)

Random police searches in Subways (New York, Detroit)

Re-classifying government documents

Public sentiment regarding un-American activities

Government persecution of whistleblowers

U.S.-sponsored propaganda

and so-forth (like massive voting fraud, an illegitimate war, a leader "called by God" and empowered by "God's chosen people").

Kinda spooky, huh?

All we need now is one little group of folks to rally some hatred. To focus our collective disdain, to keep us busy and distracted.

I'm predicting some sort of Muslim McCarthy Madness mid-March, ya know...mullahs in our midst and all that. But we'll just have to see how the bullshit politics of fear and hatred continue their slow creep into our collective consciousness.

Two more years to go, I guess....unless something "horrible" happens and the 22nd Amendment is revoked. Ahh....King George, has a nice ring to it.

Maybe I'm just being cynical...but history has a way of repeating itself. I just hope there's enough folks who'll remember there's more to a brown shirt than getting it on sale at J.C. Penney.

Project Censored

While I know most folks would rather read about Project Runway, there's a 30 year old news organization that I'd rather share with y'all today -- and that's Project Censored.

Project Censored is a media research group out of Sonoma State University which tracks the news published in independent journals and newsletters. From these, Project Censored compiles an annual list of 25 news stories of social significance that have been overlooked, under-reported or self-censored by the country's major national news media.

It's not the prettiest of sites, it's not all high-tech bells and whistles, but it's substantiated, researched and well-cited journalism....or at least tries to be.

How to spend a billion dollars

I thought I was done this week....but this riled me up.

Check out the Department of Defense expenditures, beginning on page 30 of this report from the Government Accountability Office.

For fiscal years 2003 through 2005 (through March 31, 2005), the Department of Defense reported 152 contracts with obligations totaling about $1.1 billion.

152 contracts consisted of 110 contracts with advertising agencies, with obligations of $1,095,553,853

28 contracts with media organizations, with obligations of $976,626

4 contracts with public relations firms, with obligations of $3,694,798.

There were no reported contracts with individual members of the media.

Um...call me cynical but just because contracts weren't reported doesn't mean they didn't happen. Remember Armstong Williams, y'all?

Oh...and P.S. we don't need to send soldiers to Iraq anymore.

Batman's gonna catch Osama for us.

Balls to the Walls....Petals to the Medals...Fetes Don't Fail Me Now

These are the times that try men's souls - Thomas Payne

Or in my case, soles.

My ass is busy, my feet are tired and my homonyms are all mixed up.

It all started this past weekend:

Saturday
I joined the fellas from Big Crank Cycling for a delightful bike ride around town. When I was telling some friends about my morning of gay-boy bicycle fun, they asked, "So....what did you guys do afterwards?"

I guess they expected to hear that all sorts of sexually illicit shenanigans transpired.

I replied, "We did what all gay men do when they get together on a Saturday morning.....BRUNCH!"

Straight people need to get their minds out of the gutter.

Sunday
I started guitar lessons and nearly emptied my bank account when I saw this camera. But I didn't give in to temptation.

No.

No, sir-ee.

I realized that I needed to save my money for more important matters.

Namely, glitter. See this Saturday --->

Monday
Today, I'm writing this and that's all I'm doing up on this blog this week. It's mostly for the sake of posterity. Some day, when I'm old and decrepit (I expect full-on decrepitude to hit at age 38) I want to look back on my life and say, "Oh look, I used to do things. I was once lively and tried to be entertaining....now pass me the Cheetos - American Idol is on!"

Tuesday
Valentine's Day.

Um.

Er.

Well.

Shit.

***Insert stomping and storming around my apartment for ten minutes***

No...no....really...I'm happy for all y'all with boy-friends, girl-friends, spouses, life-partners or Godly-defying co-habitators who attend gay orgies frequently.

Best of luck to you for not having memories that haunt your dreams, for not hating half of your music collection, for not having forlorn nights spent sobbing pathetically into your pillow knowing that he will never call.

God bless you for whatever it is that y'all call love.

Really.

Truly.

So.

Very.

Happy.

For.

You.

Both.

Wednesday
I'm selling merchandise at the Andrew Bird concert. His merchandise. Not mine. Please…I can’t give this shit away.

Thursday
I'm going to see Madea Goes to Jail. I expect to be told-a-thing (or two) by a fierce, gun-totin', blunt-tokin', scene-stealing Black man-in-drag. Not that I expect him to shoot that gun. We all know the only person who can get away with shooting someone in this country is the Vice-President.

Friday
Buy glitter. Create. Fuck up and run to the store at-the-last-second to buy more glitter. See ---->

Saturday
I'm hoping I'm inspired by all this week's theatricality -- I'm busting out the platforms and the false eyelashes to work the crowd and to raise some funds at Wall Ball.

This event will be one helluva party, and more importantly, will put paintbrushes in children's hands.

With that in mind, I'm outta here. I gotta outfit to design and sew this week.

I hope you get flowers or some sorta V.D. treat tomorrow. And by that, I mean one that's not catching, or doesn't warrant penicillin.

Watch out for elected officials with guns, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too.... and while we're speaking of politics, I suggest good-ole Thomas Payne for this week’s history reminder.

I just finished Age of Reason. I was hoping that this treatise on religious fundamentalism might inspire me to crash Exodus Ministry’s Say Nay to Gay event next week.

Sadly, all reading Age of Reason did was make me want to wear a powdered wig. Which is, I know....very gay...but also, I might add, very patriotic!

And by patriotic, I mean actually giving a shit and not being the kind of dude who shoots his friends, conducts illegal wiretaps, profits from death, tortures civilians and is obsessed with gay orgies.

Lord knows I haven’t thought about gay orgies since I went to one last year. Some orgy that was. Please! It was just a bunch of grown men in Speedos splashing around in a pool. And a catered buffet, of course. Yeah. That's this administration's definition of an orgy: muscular men in swimming trunks, bruschetta crisps, a tasty tapenade and pool boys serving fresh mojitos. Whooooo!!!! Scary!!!!!!

You see kids, it’s real easy to imagine that dastardly, sinister, soul-destroying evil is always afoot. That's terrorism, for you.

This week, I’m just trying to keep my eyes peeled for a free buffet and a fashion bargain. I'm keeping my spirits uplifted, my mind engaged and my feet grounded.

In some sensible, attractive shoes.

Can't Get You Outta My Head

There are days when the foremost thought in my noggin is what I might be putting on top of it...

Today is not one of those days.

Still, a little distraction never hurt.

I'm kinda partial to the Tom Fjord look.

Fanning the Flames of Faggotry one iPod at a Time

Congrats to St. Louis based coreaudiovisual who are hard at work these days creating content for Karl Lagerfeld's New York fashion show this Friday.

According to their website, those crazy kids will be creating

branded content for interior and exterior installations during the show. [The company] will also be creating a downloadable video Podcast of the event minutes after the show concludes. This will be the first fashion show available as a Podcast on the iTunes Music Store.

Pretty good news for this self-confessed group of hard-drinking, wild turkey hunters from South County, huh?

In the interests of full disclosure, I will admit that I once applied for a job there and didn't make the cut.

Still, there's no hassle in my hustle. My jealous ass doesn't player hate....much. Honestly, I'm tickled and proud of my friends and former classmates who work at core -- who will be part of fashion history this Friday evening.

That is, if they do a good job. If the show sucks, y'all.... I don't know you. The fashion world is as cruel and ugly as vertical stripes on my fat ass. So, best of luck, break a leg....and...please...please...don't fuck this up.

If you have iTunes - you can click here for more info about watching the show and subscribing for the free podcast.

This Business of Blasphemy

As buildings burn and people die, I find myself scratching my head looking for answers and explanations as to why folks overseas are so angry about a cartoon.

I found this amazing article, A Brief History of Blasphemy ...that's, well, not so brief.

It's a hard thing to grasp: mankind's refusal to learn from history and the way history shapes our cultural and political biases. It's also a hard thing to grasp that at 35, I still wear tee-shirts I wore when I was eight, but that's another story, for another day.

If, however, we look at the problem of blasphemy in the long perspectives of history, we will find that the Christian church as a whole has generally interpreted the law against blasphemy in a quite different way. For, while fiercely resisting and punishing blasphemies directed against God, Christ or against the Christian faith, the church has at times actively encouraged Christians to use both blasphemy and obscenity as weapons with which to insult and humiliate rival faiths. [emphasis mine]

It is because a tradition of blasphemous abuse lies so close to the heart of Judaeo-Christian orthodoxy – and to Judaeo-Christian authoritarianism – that those who play imaginative games with blasphemy in the name of liberty are in reality engaged in an extraordinarily dangerous ploy, whose ultimate effect is likely to be both destructive and repressive.

The greatest danger of all is that his blasphemies will be construed as belonging to the strongest tradition of Western blasphemy – a tradition which is both profoundly authoritarian and full of racial and religious hatred.

The sad thing is....this was written 15 years ago, when Salman Rushdie's book The Satanic Verses created a firestorm of fury and fear, here and abroad.

Time, as they say, has a way of repeating itself.

- - - - -

News from the U.S., that charges of blasphemy forced NBC to cancel two television shows reminds me that blasphemy in the U.S. doesn't warrant riots - it results in re-runs of Crossing Jordan.

This whole business of blasphemy sets a backdrop for two funerals this week of two very remarkable and very different women. I am amazed that up until her death, Coretta Scott King advocated for equality through non-violence.

Gay, poor, Black, Hispanic, Musilm...you name it, honey...if you felt oppressed, Mrs. King had your back. Even though she was threatened by the KKK, even though her home was bombed, even though her husband was murdered -- still, she rejected violence, in all its forms.

It was, shall we say, her way.

Betty Friedan, on the other hand, took another revolutionary path, although her "lavender menace" legacy taints a movement that advocated equality and justice.

What strikes me at this moment, thinking about these two women and the tens of thousands that are rioting in the streets is that people will go to extraordinary lengths in defense of an idea.

Some people will live their lives with grace, dignity and poise even though they've been handed a big pile of shit. Some people will exclude others from political organizations for the sake of power, influence and "public relations" purposes. Some people will burn shit down because they're pissed and angry.

And while a big pile of shit doesn't seem nearly as inviting as political power and indignant righteousness, I know who I'd rather emulate.

May your God bless you Mrs. King -- and your family's legacy.

I'll just pray to mine that your struggle was not in vain and that history will not bring us to this same point in time again, when courage and faith is overshadowed by violence, hatred and ignorance.

State of the Union

Last night, the president of the United States spoke about what’s up in America.

It was no easy task. The gays are (still) destroying marriage in this country (never mind the antics of dim-witted, skanky hetero celebs). We're engaged in a war overseas; at home -- personal liberties are being threatened (from the left and the right); gruesome violence is erupting in every little hamlet of this great country; we're massively in debt and lots of folks have no health insurance.

Whoa, dude! That's a lot to think about. So before I sat down to watch Dubya's annual address, I zipped over to the store to stock up on a few nibbly-gnoshy treats to help dull the inevitable pain that comes from attentively listening to that man talk for a whole hour.

I have to admit I was a bit appalled standing in the line at the grocery store, waiting to check out. Every where I turned, magazine racks were overflowing with stories about Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, each coping (so bravely, I might add) with personal situations that seem to pale in light of the overwhelming political and social issues that face this country.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to provide a little pop-culture translation of the president's address for those readers who may only be aware of certain celebrity's self-created, trifling-bullshit magazine-selling melodramas. Oh, and the state of various unions, be they committed long-term relationships....or unions torn apart by the ubiquitous forces of evil...

The State of the Union

Introductions and a mention of a beloved, graceful, courageous black woman and her unnamed "husband..."

Courageous Black Folks: XXX:State of the Union starring Ice Cube and a black woman, back in the studio, still on drugs, husband unnamed, as well...

Dubya is humbled by national mourning and national achievement.

National Mourning: Bennifer National Achievement: Rostrum is a "book-learning" kinda word (thanks, Condi!)

Government means differences, anger, but together we will make it stronger.

Divorces, Differences and Anger: Humiliated Jennifer Aniston Moves On, Vince Vaughn Moves In

This country has so much character that we'll never retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life...

Retreating from Our Duties: He knows what that means, for sure! Learn more about Bush's National Guard duty (or lack thereof) here, here, here, and just to be fair....here.

Bush calls out those who oppose him - saying he has misguided idealism...

Misguided Idealism: Tabitha doesn't want a sibling - she wants a pony! Instead, she gets a new daddy (Dick Sargent's first appearance as Darrin)

A little bit of history about the hopeless dream of lonely democracies....

Speaking of Hopeless Dreams and Lonely Advocates of Democracy: Helen Thomas snubbed by Bush again.

Fear, heartless, totalitarian control and a mention of London...

Madonna: Mirror of America 2001: Drowned World 2006: Loving Bon Jovi, Hating Elton John

...we will never surrender to evil.

Surrender to Evil: Tabitha plots to destroy the lives of happy, heterosexual couples -- this (and every week) on NBC's Passions

America faces an evil empire...whose day will come.

Evil Empires: George Lucas fucked everything up...

...terror and institutions...

Learn More about Institutions: Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie acts crazy in Girl, Interrupted.

...allies in the cause of freedom....

Allies in Freedom: Misfits and Midgets! Learn more about Carrie Fisher and Kenny Baker (the loveable R2-D2)!

In less than three years, that nation has gone from dictatorship, to liberation, to sovereignty, to a constitution, to national elections.

Interested in Politics? Reese Witherspoon lights up the screen in 1999's Election. Interesting note: this movie also features Sarah Jessica Parker's husband!

....decisions will be made by our military commanders...not by elected officials...not by you!

WarGames: Sarah Jessica Parker's husband's film debut revealed that military commanders don't make decisions about war and the future of this country. Teenagers and super-computers do, silly!

...something about good advice....

Good Advice: Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw dishes it out on HBO on Demand!

...second-guessing is not a strategy.

It worked for what? Six seasons? How many times did Sarah Jessica Parker "refuse to acknowledge" her love for Mister Big?

...pledge from America means little....

Pledges That Mean Little: Alright, enough, already... I know...

...a marriage ends (due to death) and fighting from house to house in a maze of streets...

Will They or Won't They?: Mr. And Mrs. Smith Available now on DVD

...hope of all humanity.

The Hope of All Men: Dudes wanna score dates with Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie

And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran.

Friends Forever! Not so much, according to NBC executive.

...poverty, corruption and despair are sources of terrorism, organized crime, human trafficking and the drug trade.

Poverty, Corruption, Despair, Organized Crime, Human Trafficking and the Drug Trade: Watch Oscar-nomiated Crash, starring the red-hot Ryan Phillipe, pictured here with his wife: award-winning Reese Witherspoon!

Do it my way or we'll dull the conscience of our country.

Dulled and Conscious: Gwyneth Paltrow "I think it is sort of funny how you have to be doing coke off the ass of some stripper to be perceived as not boring these days."

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home. The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military and homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives to protecting us all, and they deserve our support and our thanks. They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime, so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.

The problem in 2001 was connecting the dots of the conspiracy.

Connect the Dots: La-la-la-la....In 2001, your tax dollars were used to raid Pee-Wee Herman's house and to arrest him for owning vintage erotica.

American leaders from Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan...

History: Bored Now..... We'll resume after this America is great commercial.... About 10 minutes or so...

.Resuming with $880 billion in tax savings (mostly for the rich!)

Quick Question: America's Deficit Last Year: $335 billion Uncollected Taxes: $880 billion Ummmm...this is a good thing?

...good stewards of the economy....

Not-So-Good Stewart: Patrick Stewart - the voice of Bambi's father (the Great Stag of the Forest) coming straight to DVD in Bambi II

...baby boomers turn 60, including two of my dad's favorite people: me and President Bill Clinton.

Not-So-Favorite Old Person: Jimmy Carter "...almost every decision made in Washington since 2000 has favored the wealthy, often at the expense of middle-class working families and the needy....

Dubya talks about the immigration system which serves the interests of our economy...

Immigrants Can Also Serve You Breakfast and Clean Your House! You'll be "wowed" by the realness of Academy-Award nominated Crash (starring Sandra Bullock)

...healthcare sucks....not a single OB-GYN to be found...medical liability reform is needed this year.

Some OB-GYN's Are Cashing In: Jolie's fetus featured on the cover of the National Enquirer! Coz your mind needs to know!

America is addicted to oil...

Addiction: Kentucky Burbon White Powder Black Magick

...alternative energy sources, incredible advances, revolutionary technologies...hybrids...talent and technology of America...

Revolution and Hybrids: Revisit the past, hopeful for a new future! Learn more about inter-species breeding with aliens, too!

...human talent and creativity...our nation's children...children are the future....teach them well....let them lead the way.....I'm gonna keep my baby...ohhhhh...

Oh, fuck the kids, the future is nanotechnology, supercomputing...

Attention Earthlings: The future is now! Join with us for a better tomorrow...today...or else!

...Still, we can leave no Child Behind...

Left Behind Children : Babies in wells get married, too... Children of politicians are lonely & unhappy

America has become a more hopeful nation...but we must not redefine marriage...children in our society who need direction and love...treatable disease.

...prove the pessimists wrong...

...shout out to Sandra Day O'Connor....

Other Important Sandras: Bullock and Bernhard. Touching moments with immigrants and The Woman I Might Have Been

...human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids and buying, selling or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our creator and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale.

...young people should stay in school so more of America's youth can raise their sights and achieve their dreams.

Will we turn back, or finish well?

Did someone say well?

Bush is Confident of victories to come.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless America.